Good Enough Parents are the Best Parents

Good Enough Parents are the Best Parents

               

Posted Jun 26, 201

Source: Google Images/Used With Permission

By Don Greif, Ph.D.
Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst developed the concept of the “good enough mother.” He encouraged mothers (and fathers) to trust their instincts and judgment about caring for their babies—and not to worry about or aspire toward perfection.
Will I be a good enough parent?
Diana, a pregnant woman in her second year of therapy, sits down on my sofa and tells me that for the past week she’s been waking up in the middle of the night and having a hard time falling back to sleep. I ask what she was feeling and thinking about when she couldn’t sleep. She says she read a magazine article about the importance of getting your kid into a top preschool so they can get into a good elementary school, which is critical to getting into a good high school and a good college; all of which, according to the article, are crucial to succeeding in life. She’s been looking into daycare options near where she lives and they all seem pretty good, but the article prompted her to think, “Maybe they’re not the best.”
“So this is what you’ve been worrying about at night,” I said. Diana nods “yes” and says that a good friend of hers, who pays close attention to her children’s homework, realized that the public school they attended wasn’t teaching them what it was supposed to teach so she moved them to a private school. Diana worried that she would be a bad mother because she wouldn’t even know what her child is supposed to learn in school, since she, unlike her friend, works outside the home full time, and plans to continue doing so after her maternity leave.
I said, “It’s understandable that you’re worried about being a good mother. I can also understand why the article made you anxious.” She reveals, with a laugh, that she only read the first paragraph before getting so freaked out that she couldn’t continue reading.
“Does it really matter that much where your child goes to preschool?” she asks.
I respond emphatically, “That’s a good question.”
Diana says that she and her husband went to public schools in their neighborhoods and both turned out okay.
I was glad she could question the validity of the article—or at least her takeaway from it.

“So part of you is skeptical of what you read,” I said.
Being the best
I thought for a moment and went on, “There’s an obsession in our culture with being ‘the best’.” I told her about Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother.”
I know how vulnerable Diana is—how vulnerable we all are—to feeling anxious about falling short of cultural expectations. I was keenly aware that being a first-time parent heightened Diana’s vulnerability to cultural messages about what and how she should provide for her child. She did not want to fail.
In my view, the notion that the school choices that parents make for their 4-year olds (or 14-year olds) will determine the child’s success--let alone the idea that there is a “best” school--limits parents’ freedom to choose a good enough school based on their child’s unique needs and their own personal circumstances.
Focusing on the best school—the best anything, for that matter—often reflects an emphasis on status and external markers of success, rather than intrinsic qualities such as the love of learning and the enduring value of a good education.
Absorbing cultural expectations   
We are all deeply affected by our culture and absorb its expectations and messages, often without being aware of it. Personal growth sometimes requires us to recognize aspects of our culture that are oppressive or constricting, and to resist this influence. Becoming aware of the impact of cultural values and ideals frees us to make choices that are personally meaningful.
It can be helpful to remember that rarely is there a clear-cut best choice.
For example, in my experience many parents who return to work soon after their babies are born—including those who do not have the means to be able to choose to be stay-at-home parents--worry about the impact of leaving them in the hands of a caretaker, whether it’s a babysitter, nanny, relative, or daycare facility. Those who can choose to be full-time parents often worry, as well, about the impact on themselves of staying home with their babies. They worry about the loss of stimulation from the outside world, sacrificing their professional growth or even jeopardizing their careers.
As with most choices parents make, there is no perfect solution or best choice. Most choices involve compromise, and that means there are only good enough choices. Parenting, much like the rest of life, is “not a game of perfect.” And maybe “good enough” is as good as it gets!
Don Greif, Ph.D., is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with a clinical and forensic practice in NYC, co-Editor-in-Chief of Contemporary Psychoanalysis (link is external).  He has taught and supervised at the William Alanson White Institute (link is external). He has written about psychoanalysis as an antidote to electronic culture; revaluing sports and mastering athletic demons; forensic issues working with sexual offenders; and he is writing a counterpoint to Freud’s Civilization and its Discontents.