9 subtle ways to wreck a marriage

June 1, 2016 

by Dave Willis

People don’t usually set out to sabotage their marriage and wind up in divorce court, but small choices can ultimately lead to big disasters. Subtle poor choices along the way can pile up like a snowball rolling down a hill until it’s big enough to start an avalanche of consequences. Below are seven of the most common ways people can harm their marriage (sometimes without even realizing it). Avoid these and you’ll be safeguarding your marriage.

(In no particular order):
1.Giving criticism instead of encouragement.
Your words have the power to build up your spouse or tear him/her down. When our words take on a negative tone, our marriage will take on a negative tone. Choose to be your spouse’s biggest encourager; not his/her biggest critic. Don’t nag, correct, criticize, insult or use sarcasm in a negative tone. Build each other up.

2. Digital distractions.
Sometimes I give my iPhone more attention than I give my wife, and that can’t happen! Do your best to keep screens turned off as much as possible when you’re together with your spouse. Talking with your spouse is always better than texting with somebody else (or playing Candy Crush, or checking facebook, etc.).
3. Inconsistency in parenting.
Raising kids is one of the most sacred duties on earth, but it can also harm your marriage if you don’t have a unified approach with your spouse. Ashley and I don’t argue much, but many (if not most) of our disagreements have come out of miscommunications about parenting. For more on this, check out our post on 7 ways parents harm their kids without even realizing it.

4. Flirting.
This one is two-fold, because we harm our marriages when we STOP flirting with our spouse or when we START flirting with anybody else! Flirting within marriage is always helpful, but flirting outside of your marriage is always harmful! For some positive ways to spice up your sex life and connect on a deeper level inside and outside of the bedroom, check out our video course on sex and intimacy in marriage (by clicking here).
5. Porn (and/or graphic romance novels).
Many couples think porn is a harmless fantasy that can actually spice things up in the bedroom if they watch it together, but the truth is that porn is an enemy of real intimacy. For more on this, check out our post The Truth about Porn (by clicking here).

6. Having a “Cable Company Marriage”
Cable TV companies give their best rates and service at the beginning but then treat you much worse after the “promotional period” expires. Sadly, many marriages look like this. We give each other our best at the beginning of the relationship, but then get into “autopilot” and stop giving each other our best. We go from giving our best to giving as little as we possibly can, and the marriage slowly starves to death.

7. Negative friends.

Your friends have the unique ability to encourage your marriage or to discourage your marriage. Make sure you’re hanging out with people who love you AND love your spouse. Choose friends who will strengthen your character and remove yourself from people who would tempt you to compromise your character.
8. Not wearing a wedding ring.
People might just not be into jewelry or not think it’s a big deal, but wearing a ring can be a first line of defense against adultery. For more practical reasons to wear your ring, check out our hugely popular (and somewhat controversial) post on 3 reasons to wear a wedding ring.

9. Using the “D-word”
When couples throw around the word “Divorce” as a threat or as an attractive option to leave the marriage instead of fixing the marriage, the relationship is always weakened in the process. We need to remove our exit strategies and commit to working together to make the marriage last. A “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!
For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, join us along with thousands of other couples on the “30 Days to a Stronger Marriage Challenge” by clicking here.