Build Relationship With Your Child

By Clem Boyd

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When our children go out on their own, having landed their first job and signed a lease for their first apartment, we hope that we have trained them to: respect authority, think for themselves, drive a car, hold a job, make dinner, pay bills and carry on mutually respectful and loving relationships. And that's the short list.
Parenting is a big job; serving as a child's personal ATM or behavior umpire isn't enough. We need a relationship where we can tell Johnny it's wrong to hit Susie but then find out why he struck her. We need a relationship with enough emotional strength to share hopes, dreams and convictions and be heard when we do so. We need a relationship that makes it easy for them to come to us with questions and concerns. We need a relationship where there's not just respect, but also love.
This kind of parent-child bond doesn't just happen; it takes wisdom and intentional effort. Here are some tips I hope will encourage you in one of the greatest pursuits of your lifetime — building a relationship with your child.

Pray, pray, pray.

There are moments when I'm completely baffled by my kids, ages 15, 11 and 5. I ask God to reveal His wisdom about their behavior, their problems with friends, their spiritual lives. Then during a quiet instant between my prayers, God will disclose a question to ask or a strategy to try.
For instance, I found myself refereeing a dispute between David, my oldest, and Bethany, the middle child, over David's video game console. As the words grew heated, my frustration level shot up like a thermometer's red line in August. I was ready to click off the power button and send them their separate ways. But the Holy Spirit said, Pray. So I did — and gained insight.
I asked David why he didn't want Bethany playing his video games. It turns out she had made negative comments about his game playing, which he viewed as relaxation from schoolwork. My daughter apologized, and David forgave her. Because I prayed instead of adjudicating, my children quickly reconciled and our relationships were strengthened.

Get into their space.

From infancy through about age 8, kids spend a lot of time on the floor. We should be down there, too — playing games, pretending with dolls, building block forts. Fight the feeling that you're acting stupid; crawl through those embarrassed feelings and meet your kids.
Be careful not to transition into buddies, however. It's good to enter their world, but you're still the parent. You may need to set time limits on this kind of play, and if whining ensues, a time-out might be necessary.
Getting into the world of older kids is different. Watch their TV shows or movies. At first your kids may wonder if you're spying on them, but explain you just want to hang out.
You may need to resist the strong impulse to get up and do something else. Even if you're not fascinated by Robot Warriors 3000 or The Princess Posse, ask questions about characters and storylines to start conversation with your kids.

Keep it real.

As hard as it may be, recounting our missteps can help kids who are 12 and older learn from our errors. They also get to see we're not perfect.
One day I shared with David some history about my friendships. I told him about my best friend in elementary school and how we drifted apart in high school, and about my two best friends in college and how we've lost touch. The point? Friends come and go, but don't let a friendship die because of bitterness or lack of attention.
Such personal information can be embarrassing to tweens or teenagers. If your kids feel awkward, try talking in the car, where the conversation isn't face to face.

Enjoy family time.

A simple way to connect with your kids is eating together as a family. This is easy to do when they're little, but as kids get older, sports and other activities compete with the family mealtime.
Our family is committed to sharing dinner together, even if it's only 15 minutes. Each of us tells a highlight and a lowlight from the day. Usually someone's highlight or lowlight is a springboard for other discussion.
The difficulty we have is keeping kids on track. David gets restless and begins to wander away from the table. Mark, our youngest, acts silly. My wife and I have to pay attention and guide the conversation.
There are other kinds of shared time, of course, such as going to a ball game. But don't assume you've connected with your kids just because you were at the same event. Shared time involves asking questions ("What did you think about that referee's call?") and exchanging ideas ("I remember coming here with Grandpa").

Do projects together.

We all have things we want to do — alone. Even if we're not thrilled about cleaning the garage, we'd rather do it by ourselves than supervise a team of rowdy kids.
Last year, I planned to paint a room in our house by myself but realized this was an opportunity to teach and connect with all the kids. We transformed painting from a chore into a wonderful memory.
You'll need to think and pray about the right level of involvement for your children based on their ages and experience. Count on this: The project may take longer, and your children will not do things like you would. If you can accept these facts, you'll discover an endearing, enjoyable time.

Be silly.

This isn't just for small ones. Older kids like it when you act silly, too — even though you might hear, "Oh, Dad, stop it" or "This person is not my mother."
Embarrassing children in public is not a good idea, but having fun in private keeps things light and makes you approachable. So go ahead, do the goofy dance, make funny faces, sing silly songs, talk for the dog.
The means to build strong, durable bonds with your kids is within you. Just ask God to show you the way, and start connecting with your kids today.

Why the Most Successful Couples Stay Together

Karl Pillemer Ph.D. Lessons for Loving

Why the Most Successful Couples Stay Together

                 

Source: StockLite/Shutterstock

We are so inundated with media reports about "the death of marriage" that you may assume matrimony will soon be a thing of the past. However, there is strong evidence that marriage is in fact here to stay—and it comes from the hearts and minds of young people. Surveys show that most young Americans have the same wishes and desires as their predecessors did 50 years or 100 years ago (and that would also be familiar in Jane Austen’s day).
It turns out that the vast majority of young people want to get married—and hope it will last forever. A large, scientific survey (link is external)of 20-24 year olds found that 95 percent believe it is important to get married someday, and the vast majority see fidelity and a lifelong commitment as necessary components of marriage.

Want to Live Well, and Love Well? Start Listening

Want to Live Well, and Love Well? Start Listening

         

racorn/Shutterstock

Source: racorn/shutterstock

Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a quest for wisdom. I didn’t take the conventional routes of finding a guru, reading self-help books, or listening to motivational speakers. Instead, I decided to ask the oldest Americans about their advice for living on a range of topics, from choosing a career to raising children, to avoiding regrets, to how to age gracefully and well. Currently, this project focuses on older people’s advice for love, relationships, and marriage.
In 2011, when I published a book on 1,200 older people’s advice for living (30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans (link is external)), I got a very important question from a viewer of the PBS Newshour (link is external), which covered the book. This college professor from New England emailed me that the book “makes the assumption that the young have more to learn from the old than the other way around.” He went on, “How does Mr. Pillemer know that the elderly ‘are the truest experts on living well through hard times?’”
It was an excellent question. And it got me thinking. I’ll offer my answer here, and I’d like to hear what readers have to say.

Why the Most Successful Couples Stay Together

Why the Most Successful Couples Stay Together

         

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Source: StockLite/Shutterstock

We are so inundated with media reports about "the death of marriage" that you may assume matrimony will soon be a thing of the past. However, there is strong evidence that marriage is in fact here to stay—and it comes from the hearts and minds of young people. Surveys show that most young Americans have the same wishes and desires as their predecessors did 50 years or 100 years ago (and that would also be familiar in Jane Austen’s day).
It turns out that the vast majority of young people want to get married—and hope it will last forever. A large, scientific survey (link is external)of 20-24 year olds found that 95 percent believe it is important to get married someday, and the vast majority see fidelity and a lifelong commitment as necessary components of marriage.
So marriage appears to be here to stay. We may be a throw-away society in other ways, but when it comes to love, most people are looking for a lifelong connection.
The question, of course, is how to get there.
I looked to the more than 700 older Americans we interviewed in the Marriage Advice Project (link is external)for answers. They are a logical source, as many have been happily married for 40, 50, or 60 years or longer. Sifting through the interviews, I learned that they believe there’s an ingredient that no therapy, no treatment program, and even no religion can create: The partners must do it themselves, day after day, and year after year. That piece of elder wisdom about marriage is commitment. The elders tell us that you must enter into a marriage believing it will last forever. And they believe that it's a goal worth striving for.
Ranjit, 80, summed up the view of many of the elders—that people should enter into marriage seeing the commitment as unbreakable:

Marriage is two people living together and becoming as one. Marriage is between souls that become one. That means the most important thing before thinking of marriage is that we have a commitment. One must be sure in his or her mind that the partner is for you and for you only. Sometimes people think: Oh, if the marriage doesn’t work out, we can get a divorce any time. But marriage is not a contract on paper that you can annul any time if it doesn’t work out. Never start married life with that notion.

The emphasis on commitment was similarly strong from elders in the study who spent much of their lives in a committed but unmarried relationship. Timothy, 89, and Jerome, 90, have been a couple for 60 years, sharing a fascinating life in theater and the arts and in the company of a vibrant circle of friends. Their commitment was made firmer, they told me, because marriage was not available. Timothy said:

Our commitment to each other had to be stronger, because it wasn’t backed up by the legal things marriage gives you. You have to have a strong relationship, because there’s no legality to it.

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Jerome added:

I read about prenuptial agreements where people only commit to 10 years, that kind of thing. You already have a divorce in mind, which I find very strange. Commitment doesn’t work that way. After we fell in love, it became the relationship for my entire life. You don’t want to separate. I don’t know that you enter a relationship thinking that you’re going to last for 60 years. But you do just feel, “I want to go on. I don’t ever want to separate. I don’t want to go my own way.”

This, then, is a key lesson from the America’s elders:

Treat marriage—at every stage—as a lifelong commitment.

This must be your attitude, they say, however unrealistic it may seem at times. And knowing that for many people, marriage can and did last a lifetime is evidence that this goal is a worthwhile one. The elders counsel you to live with the belief that your marriage vows represent an iron-clad commitment; indeed, they feel that it is the only way to approach marriage. Of course, they of understand that some marriages – in particular those where verbal or physical abuse is present – must come to an end. But they exhort you in most circumstances to try, try, and try again to honor the initial commitment before leaving the marriage.
In my efforts to understand the elders’ view on commitment, I came to a revelation. They were talking about marriage as a discipline. As that word is used in fields from spiritual development to business management, it does not have anything to do with the idea of punishment – far from it. Rather, a discipline, as one writer (link is external)puts it, is a developmental path where you get better at something by mindfully attending to it and by continual practice. Most important, it is a lifelong process—you don’t “arrive” at success, but rather you spend your life mastering the discipline. In all disciplines—from learning a martial art, to running a marathon, to meditating—short-term sacrifice is required to reap the long-term rewards from your effort.

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When the elders talked about commitment, it’s this kind of discipline they have in mind: persevering, working out creative solutions for problems, and seeking help when necessary. The mental image of a lifelong commitment—where it is not easy to get out—makes partners work intensely to overcome challenges. Lora, 70, told me:

My generation was not accepting of divorce, and my husband and I were of that mindset. Because that wasn’t an option in our mind to separate, you really figured things out. It wasn’t, “Well, it’s not working out and I’m not happy right now. Let’s give up.” It wasn’t an option, so therefore we needed to figure things out.

Sheldon, 88, whose marriage went through difficult periods, agreed:

We have had some pretty hard arguments, believe me. You’ve got to deal with it and not to have in the back of your head that you’re going to split. You’ve got to get that out of your head. That whatever it is that goes on, you’re going to stay together and work it out.

And the elders are clear that no one can make a commitment at a single point in their lives, then simply relax and forget about it. Commitment is enacted every single day, as part of the discipline of marriage. Mae Powers, 70, also had a rocky road in marriage, but chose to remain in the relationship for 42 years. She eloquently summed up the meaning of commitment this way:

It’s continually committing, actively deciding to stay together. During the rough times, you have to decide to recommit yourself to the relationship. My husband and I joke about having “gotten married” many times. Things happen that cause people to question their relationships, and then they have to make a decision to recommit or not recommit, and how to recommit if they decide to do so. So when I recommit to staying together today after a huge blow-up, it’s with the knowledge of all of those limitations and what I have decided I’m willing to live with.

Searching for a way to characterize this attitude among the elders, I found myself using the word spirit. That is, many of them have a spirited approach to the discipline of marriage, to get better, to forgive, and to innovate. There’s a spirit of initiative to overcome problems and an indomitable attitude to move on despite problems.
Sound idealistic? For me, seeing was believing. Nothing convinces you of the value of making q lifelong commitment like being in the presence of couples who have done just that. Most people who make good on the “marriage is for life” assumption freely admit having considered splitting up at least once over the decades (and often more than once). They’ve lived through sloughs of unfulfillment, periods where passion waned and nothing appeared to replace it, and bouts of simmering resentment. But they hung in, they endured, they worked feverishly on the relationship – and they won out in the end.
They won out by reaching a level of fulfillment that is difficult to describe. I’ve introduced you to a number of such partners in this book, and perhaps you have seen it in an older couple you know. When you are in the presence of two people who have weathered life’s predictable and unpredictable storms together and emerged as true and inseparable partners at the end of life, there’s a feeling of “Ahhh, so that’s what it’s all about…” I had the opportunity to observe this apotheosis of married life many times, and each time I came away inspired and enriched.

Source: Flickr sweethearts by adwriter

Because when people make it the whole way, it’s so good that it’s better than almost anything else you can imagine. It’s better than the titillating excitement of dating; better than the heart-pounding passion of a new relationship; yes, even better than the mid-life lure of trading the old spouse in for a new model. It’s good enough that it may inspire you to give your marriage a second, third, or fourth chance. Because to wind up at the last years of life in the arms of someone you fell in love with 60 or 70 years ago is sublime. It’s a part of a well-lived life that is so transcendental that for many elders who are there, it defies description. I learned this from the elders: there are some life experiences for which you need the whole thing to reap the benefits - marriage is one of them.

Karl A. Pillemer, PhD is a professor of human development at Cornell University and professor of gerontology in medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. An internationally renowned gerontologist, his research examines how people develop and change throughout their lives. In a recent set of studies, Pillemer decided to find out what older people know about life that the rest of us don't. This project led to the book, 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans (link is external)(Penguin/Hudson Street Press, November 2011), and more recently to 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage (link is external)(Penguin/Hudson Street Press, 2015). For more information on the Legacy Project, please visit its blog (link is external), like The Legacy Project on Facebook (link is external), and follow Pillemer on Twitter @KarlPillemer.