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How to Forgive and Rebuild Trust in a Marriage After Unfaithfulness
by Stacey Elkins
Whether you or your spouse was the one to have an affair, it is possible to heal your relationship as long as you both are committed to healing it. Keep in mind that the ability to trust and forgive is essential to having a healthy relationship, notes the TwoOfUs.org website, a project of the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. Forgiving and rebuilding trust in a marriage after unfaithfulness is difficult, but achievable with time and effort.
Apologizing and Forgiveness
You shouldn’t underestimate the strength of an apology to start the process of forgiveness, notes Dr. Alex Lickerman in his Psychology Today article, "How to Forgive Others.” The adulterous spouse should provide a sincere apology without placing blame on the other spouse for her actions. She must communicate regret for her behavior – and not just regret for being exposed. She should also affirm that she will not repeat the behavior.
Open and Honest Dialogue
To rebuild trust, both the betrayed and the betrayer have to communicate and hear the truth. In other words, you and your spouse have to overcome the past before moving into the future. It’s normal for the betrayed spouse to have a lot of questions about the affair. The betrayer should be willing to provide honest and open answers. Discuss what underlying issues contributed to the infidelity. For example, perhaps you and your spouse drifted apart, leaving the betrayer feeling unloved and unwanted. Remember that both of you will have emotions to face and overcome because infidelity damages the emotional safety of the relationship. The betrayed may feel hurt, sad, anger or shock, while the betrayer might feel guilt, regret, sadness and shame. Talk about your feelings with your spouse and listen to how she feels.
Hold the Betrayer Accountable
You'll also need to put a system of accountability in place to reestablish the trust in your marriage, according to the TwoOfUs.org website. For example, the betrayer needs to end all contact with the person with whom he had the affair. There should be no emails, texts, phone calls or in-person visits. If the betrayer hears from or sees that person, he should be honest and tell his spouse. This honesty will help rebuild trust. The relationship also needs transparency to rebuild trust. The betrayed should have access to her spouse's phone, email, credit card transactions and so forth. The adulterous spouse should tell his spouse where he is going and who he is meeting whenever he leaves the house while trust is being rebuilt.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Patience
Generally, it takes at least six months before signs of normalcy in the relationship return, though it can take up to two years to rebuild trust in your marriage following an affair, notes the TwoOfUs.org website. You and your spouse both need to make a commitment to the process of rebuilding trust. This process can be frustrating and difficult, but you need to exercise patience and not try to rush it.
Enlist the help of a professional counselor to work through relationship problems after a betrayal.
Betrayals, lies and hurtful feelings can significantly affect an intimate relationship. In fact, emotional pain is often comparable to physical pain when a breach of trust occurs, according to Steven Stosny in the Psychology Today article, "Healing From Intimate Betrayal." Working through your feelings from a breach in trust takes time and effort from both parties. If you and your mate have agreed to repair the relationship, open communication can help you rebuild and set the foundation for a long-term, successful relationship.
Address the Problem
When couples are working through infidelity, lies or betrayal, men and women often go through a period of emotional instability, in which they blame themselves and doubt their feelings and intuition, according to Robert Weiss in the PsychCentral article,"Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD)." While males may go on the defensive and rely on reasoning to deny or process the information, women may react with overly emotional responses that can lead to arguments or accusations. Address the problem directly and openly, versus sweeping it under the rug. Even though it may be difficult to acknowledge a betrayal or a lie, it is a necessary step to repair the trust in the relationship, says Lynette Hoy, a marriage and family counselor on the website Power to Change. Discuss the betrayal instead of ignoring it, so you can discuss how the other’s actions made you feel.
Investigate the Cause
If one or both of you feel the need to foster secrets, it’s likely that the relationship will continue down a rocky road with feelings of resentment and uncertainty. Investigate why and how the betrayal occurred to get to the root of the problem. If you feel trapped or suffocated by the relationship, communicate this feeling with your partner. It may be that you both need to establish boundaries or time alone to feel more independent. Recognize your communication patterns and avoid defensive behavior when communicating with each other. If disagreements ensue, consider discussing underlying issues within the relationship with a mediator or professional counselor. Ideal recovery after a betrayal relies on establishing trust with one another, but more importantly, learning to trust your own instincts, seek out support or relationship counseling and focus on self-care to build your own sense of self, Weiss says.
Take Ownership
No one is perfect and both of you must realize this. Even though it is challenging to admit wrongdoing, it is necessary to acknowledge your part to move forward. Show your partner that you are willing to rebuild trust by admitting your part in the breakdown or betrayal. When people work up the courage to admit faults, it shows genuine care for another person, says Randy Conley for The Ken Blanchard Companies. If betrayed individuals choose to recommit to the relationship, it takes time to reestablish comfort and real trust with the spouse. If you betrayed your wife's trust with lies, accept that it will take time to rebuild that trust again; however, showing her genuine acts of kindness and reassuring your commitment to an honest relationship will help both of you heal. Take the first step by taking ownership of your faults and it is likely your mate will do the same.
Apologize, Forgive and Move On
A sincere apology shows that you are remorseful for your actions. Begin moving toward rebuilding a healthy relationship by offering an apology, identifying the actions you regret. If your partner is apologetic, agree to forgive him or her and prepare to put the betrayal behind you. Leaving the pain in the past opens the door to begin the relationship with a clean slate. When couples avoid excuses and justifications for their behavior, they are able to transform a damaged relationship into a sacred one, according to Linda and Charlie Bloom in the Psychology Today article, "Betrayal: It's Not Just About Infidelity." In fact, the crisis that occurs after the betrayal has led many couples to a deeper understanding of each other, resulting in a stronger relationship and a more trustworthy union.
Lying can diminish the trust between you and your spouse.
A marriage has a 50 percent chance of thriving and surviving, according to the American Psychological Association, but if lies and distrust are a core part of the relationship, the odds of celebrating another anniversary greatly diminish. A study in "The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships" found that spouses lie for a variety of reasons -- including the desire to avoid punishment. A little white lie may seem innocent at the time, but the damaging effects of lying to your spouse can destroy the trust in the relationship, tarnish the connection the two of you and may even end the union all together.
Breach of Trust
Trust is critical within a relationship and the foundation that keeps a marriage together. By deceiving your spouse with lies, he or she may feel violated and a breach of trust can cause serious problems, affecting both the relationship and your well-being, according to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, in the Psychology Today article "Why Lying Hurts So Much." Each time a breach of trust occurs, your emotional well-being takes a hit, as well as your identity, because you lose faith in what your spouse represents, says Whitbourne.
Emotional Distance
Although it is unrealistic to think that your spouse will disclose everything about his day, his job or even his past, when married people keep secrets or lie, an unhealthy distance occurs within the relationship, according to Suzanne Phillips, licensed psychologist. Secrets or lies may also cause suspicion or paranoia for the spouse if he or she believes the other is withholding information, writes Phillips in a PsychCentral article titled “Secrets, Lies and Relationships.”
Problems With Intimacy
When spouses are intimate with each other, they feel connected to one another and have a deep trust in the relationship. When a spouse lies, the safety, exclusivity and trust needed for intimacy is damaged, says Phillips. Even a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to withholding information can decrease the confidence spouses have in one another. Deep down, both partners know that a "don't ask, don't tell," relationship is built on deception. One or both partners may become consumed with guilt or get caught up in the need to tell bigger lies to support the white lies. Ultimately, this reduces the desire for intimacy and affection because a breach of trust has occurred, according to Phillips.
Separation or Divorce
Since the core success of a marriage depends on trust, when a spouse lies, there is the chance that one or the other will contemplate a separation or divorce because of the betrayal. If a couple is unwilling or unable to express remorse and to communicate truthfully about the deception, this may cause them to part ways. A betrayed spouse must be able to express feelings of rejection, hurt and anger for the couple to work past the damaging effects of lies, according to Phillips. It may take quite some time to rebuild trust and there is always the possibility that one partner cannot commit to trust after a deception. Enlisting the help of a professional counselor may help couples rebuild their relationship.
How to Open the Lines of Communication in a Marriage
by Dana Bagwell
A couple begins the process of communicating.
Related Articles
In her landmark article on relationship science, Ellen Berscheid remarked in the journal “American Psychologist” that, “A relationship itself is invisible; its existence can be discerned only by observing its effects." The effects of a relationship are often the result of poor communication, and which can also, at times, be invisible. Seeing how you communicate is an important skill in opening lines of communication in your marriage.
Minimize Nonverbal Cues
When couples fail to communicate verbally, they get their information from other sources. Some nonverbal cues are obvious: an upset look and similar nonverbal actions communicate just as much information. Unfortunately, much of this communication occurs without our awareness. In his book, “The Secrets of Happy Families,” Bruce Feiler recommends sitting side by side on comfy furniture when engaged in difficult conversations as it breeds accommodation over intimidation.
Active Listening
Listening is an expression of validation. Actively listening communicates interest and the desire to understand your partner. Conversely, waiting for a break in the conversation to speak does not convey that a partner truly heard and understood the other. Professors Rosemary Ramsey and Ravipreet Sohi reported in a study published in the “Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science” that listening is composed of sensing, evaluating and responding. Notice that the first two components of this study reinforce the importance of listening to understand before ever speaking a word.
I Statements
The world-renowned relationship expert, psychologist John Gottman, recommends using "I statements" when beginning a conversation. When a conversation begins with the words “I feel…,” the communication that follows is far more likely to be productive than negative. For example, instead of “you never pick up your socks,” begin with, “I feel resentful when you leave your socks on the floor.” Notice how the content is the same -- socks on the floor -- but the tone of the conversation changed from accusation to concern. Perhaps most important, partners are more likely to understand the other’s viewpoint when both consistently use "I" statements.
Use Technology
For couples experiencing trouble with face-to-face conversations, technology can help break the ice. Psychologist Sarah Coyne and colleagues reported in a study published in the journal “Family Relations” that couples most often used text messaging to express affection, discuss emotionally difficult issues and to apologize or begin a difficult conversation. Providing a partner uses care and discretion, such technology is an especially important tool for those that have difficulty verbally expressing themselves. With a little creativity, couples can begin to open the lines of communication.
“We need to talk” may be one of the most dreaded sentences in marriages. Marital communication need not be lengthy or heated to produce success, however. In fact, communication researcher Jonathan Pettigrew reported in a study published in 2009 in the journal “Marriage & Family Review” that couples who sent each other text messages experienced increased feelings of connectedness. Understanding why communication is important is the first step to improving communication in your marriage.
Minimizes Confusion
Even couples married for 50 years cannot always predict what the other is thinking. Many couples assume their partner “just knows,” but the end result is often just the opposite. University of Florida Extension specialists Eboni Baugh and Deborah Humphries offer a simple solution, “State your thoughts as clearly, honestly, and positively as you can.” Minimizing confusion increases relationship commitment, and commitment is directly related to relationship satisfaction.
Maintains Marriages Through Assurances
Relationship satisfaction is directly related to assurances one partner provides to the other, according to communication researchers Marianne Dainton and Laura Stafford. Assurances reaffirm a partner’s romantic desires for the other and are often demonstrated through kind words or acts of love. Researchers Brandi Frisby and Melanie Booth-Butterfield report in a study published in 2012 in “Communication Quarterly” that couples who engaged in assurances reported both greater marital satisfaction and commitment.
Siblings often use technology to communicate with each other
Siblings spend more time with each other than with either parent alone. In fact, the sibling relationship is likely the longest relationship of all personal relationships. Communication professors Kimberly Jacobs and Alan Sillars report in the “Journal of Family Communication” that siblings who support each other are more likely to adjust to disruptions in the family structure in a positive manner. Siblings who regularly communicate provide each other support as allies given their uniquely shared experiences.
Arguments
Because sibling disagreements are inevitable, such experiences are instrumental in developing effective communication skills. Siblings need to learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own, and parents must resist the urge to intervene. Age differences often lead to arguments over privacy, and older siblings may accuse their younger sibling of invading their personal space. Sibling trust is directly related to sibling communication over personal boundaries and personal items; the older sibling is instrumental in this process.
Development
Siblings imitate each other, and younger siblings especially imitate their older ones. In fact, older siblings have a profound influence on the development of language and overall cognitive growth in the younger sibling. Communication may occur through parental interaction with the older sibling. For example, when an older sister is punished for breaking curfew, the younger sibling implicitly receives information about age-appropriate behaviors.
Forming respectful relationships among siblings is beneficial at any age or stage of life. Because sibling relationships last a lifetime they develop or change over time in both positive and negative ways. Conflict or competition among siblings, often called “sibling rivalry,” is common, however siblings also play a role as a support structure during difficult times. In “Child Development Perspectives,” author Martha Cox states that sibling relationships play a vital role in individuals’ behavior and those relationships affect them throughout their lives.
Young Siblings
When parents make an effort to show love, affection and undivided attention to each child in the family it helps to increase respectful relationships among siblings when they are very young. Parents can also teach conflict resolution skills by modeling compassion and calm communication with others, even in times of discord. Sibling conflict between young children is often caused by competition for attention from parents and caregivers. According to “Solutions in Parenting,” every child has a deep biological need for a connection with parents or primary caregivers.
Teen Years
Teenagers are going through a time in their personal development when they are discovering themselves as individuals and forming their unique identity. Conflicts with siblings during this time often center on issues of fairness or privacy, such as who is doing more chores or entering a room without permission. A 2012 University of Missouri study concluded that teens who fought with their siblings over fairness issues were more depressed, while teens who fought with their siblings about personal space were more anxious and had lower self-esteem. Help teens foster respectful sibling relationships by encouraging them to talk to each other calmly about boundaries and by problem solving, such as taking turns getting to watch a television show every other night. Parents should avoid making direct comparisons between siblings. By focusing on your teen as an individual with unique strengths and talents it fosters his ability to form positive relationships with his siblings.
Children learn to build friends through active social engagements.
Making friends can be a challenge for adults, but it can be especially trying for children who are building untried social skills. The ability to make and keep friends is key to social and emotional development; these are skills that children will use throughout their lifetimes at school, work, and in intimate relationships.
Children’s interactions with parents provide important first lessons on how to treat one another and expectations on how to be treated. In fact, experts at Purdue University show that from as early as infancy, children can learn important social skills via interactions with parents, such as taking turns in conversations. When we treat children with respect and fairness, and show them empathy and compassion, they learn to emulate our behaviors. This also sets up healthy expectations of how children should be treated by others.
Identify Positive Characteristics
Converse with your children about positive and negative characteristics of friends. Phrases such as, “It makes me feel good when my friend is a good listener,” or "I don’t like it when my friends tease me,” will help convey your values to children. Books such as “Life Lists for Teens: Tips, Steps, Hints, and How-Tos for Growing Up," by Pamela Espeland, can help identify quality characteristics of friends including trustworthiness, healthy risk taking behavior, conflict resolution skills, and relationship quality with others.
Can Parents Affect Their Children's Ability to Make Friends?
by Julie Alice Huson
Parents have an important role in helping their children learn social skills.
Friendships are of paramount importance in the day-to-day lives of children. Friends provide fun, emotional comfort and validation for a positive sense of self. Professor Frederick Frankel, of UCLA’s Children’s Friendship Program, using research which demonstrated that people with good childhood friends were less likely to suffer depression as young adults, developed specific techniques that teach the skills needed to make friends. He and his team consider parents an important part of how children learn social skills. Parents can be instrumental as coaches and cheerleaders in helping their children develop the ability to make and keep friends.
Researchers at the University of Illinois Early Childhood and Parenting Collaborative cite three specific ways parents can affect formation of childhood friendships. (1) Maintain a strong and positive parent and child relationship, (2) be a parent supervisor at children’s playdates, and (3) assist the child in finding social opportunities with others. Because negative parenting interactions with children have been found to indirectly impact a child's ability to make friends, parents need to carefully consider how their own relationships with their children may be setting their kids up for frustrating play situations with peers. Parenting classes might be one place to begin to ensure that the family dynamics are strong and positive before the issue of friend-making is approached.
How Children Make Friends
Research shows that children tend to be friends with whom they have similarities, says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist who works with parents and children in social-emotional development issues. Kids are likely to initiate friendly overtures to others who are about the same age, ethnicity and gender. Shared interests provide common ground for play and also provide an obvious entry point for children being coached in establishing new friendships. Another important element in development of childhood friendships is that of shared fun. Children who can quickly establish play and fun activity with other children are more likely to be popular playmates.
How Parents Can Help Children Make Friends
Because children need to find common ground with others in order to make friends, parents can help by coaching their children in ways to find out what others are interested in. Have your child think of ways to talk to other children and ask questions to find common interests. Helping children recognize what makes a good friendship is another way to get kids to think about methods for seeking out friends with similar preferences. Adults can use their own friendships as examples for what works in being friends. "Dan and I like to play golf together," and "Maria is someone who likes the same movies I like," are comments parents can make which help children see friendships as that of sharing common enjoyable pastimes.
10 Things to Know About Parent-Child Relationships
“…the mother and child reunion, Is only a motion away.” Paul Simon
Source: Graphic stock with permission
Paul Simon was right about the mother and child reunion being a very close bond. The parent-child relationship is qualitatively different than all of our other relationships. Dr. Keith (link is external)Crnic (link is external), Professor and Chairman of the Psychology Department at Arizona State University has extensively studied this relationship for most of his career. His lab (link is external) has looked at how the nature of stress in parent-child relationships influences child and family function as well asand has the used longitudinal studies to look at the association between parenting styles and children’s emotions and behaviors that may contribute to early mental health issues in children. Parent-child relationships develop over time, influenced by child characteristics, parent characteristics, and the contexts in which families operate. These factors mix together in unique ways to create incredible diversity in the qualities of those relationships.
Source: GraphicStock with permission
We know that our role as parents is a critical one, in terms of child development. But what exactly can we and should we be doing to raise mentally healthy children or at the very least, to minimize the impact of mental disorders? Obviously, the answer is complex but here are a few tips from Dr. Crnic’s (link is external)research (link is external).
1) There are great benefits of effective parenting to child development under normal circumstances, and even greater benefits in the face of risk. There are certain risk factors that are unique to parent-child relationships. The relationship processes involved may depend on where the risk resides … in the child (e.g. developmental disability, prematurity, behavior problems), the parent (e.g. psychopathology), or the family context (e.g. economic hardship, minority status). Child developmental delay, child diagnosis of ADHD/ODD, and low family income are associated with lower positive parenting scores, a measure of a “resilient parent.” Maternal education acts as a protective buffer to improve resilient parenting for younger children (aged 3-5) while maternal health is protective for 5 year olds. One of the greatest protective factors is maternal optimism, which is effective for children ages 3 to 8. Ellingsen, et al. J. Intellectual development research, July, 2013. Ellingsen, et al. Research in developmental disabilities, April, 2014.
2) Children with developmental delays are more likely to have behavioral issues. The extent of a child’s behavior problems is a strong contributor to parenting stress, more so than the child’s cognitive delay. Baker, et al. Am J Mental Retardation. Dec, 2002.
3) Parental warmth and controlling, in a positive way are the two most important parental attributes that help to create positive effects. In research terms this is parental affect and sensitivity. Positive emotional reactivity and self-regulation are important parental factors in developing healthy children’s temperament. Bates (link is external), et al Handbook of Temperament, Guilford Press, 2012.
4) Mothers and fathers share some childrearing attributes and effects, but also differ in important ways that create unique relationship qualities. (Stevenson & Crnic, 2015; Crnic et al., 2009). Both mothers and fathers of children with borderline intellectual functioning have more negative controlling parenting (child age 5-6) than did parents of typically developing children. In turn, those children with borderline intellectual functioning showed more difficult behavior. It is interesting that negative paternal behavior is predicted by earlier child behavior while negative maternal behavior predicts child difficulties. Fenning, et al. Journal of Family Psychology, April, 2014.
Source: GraphicStock with permission
5) Emotion, in all its facets, plays an important role in the development and trajectory of parent-child relationships. It’s a two-way street; children’s emotions affecting parental behaviors and parental emotions affecting children’s development and behaviors. The regulation of emotion is especially critical in parent-child relationships, for parents as models, and for children as a core developmental competence.
1) There are great benefits of effective parenting to child development under normal circumstances, and even greater benefits in the face of risk. There are certain risk factors that are unique to parent-child relationships. The relationship processes involved may depend on where the risk resides … in the child (e.g. developmental disability, prematurity, behavior problems), the parent (e.g. psychopathology), or the family context (e.g. economic hardship, minority status). Child developmental delay, child diagnosis of ADHD/ODD, and low family income are associated with lower positive parenting scores, a measure of a “resilient parent.” Maternal education acts as a protective buffer to improve resilient parenting for younger children (aged 3-5) while maternal health is protective for 5 year olds. One of the greatest protective factors is maternal optimism, which is effective for children ages 3 to 8. Ellingsen, et al. J. Intellectual development research, July, 2013. Ellingsen, et al. Research in developmental disabilities, April, 2014.
2) Children with developmental delays are more likely to have behavioral issues. The extent of a child’s behavior problems is a strong contributor to parenting stress, more so than the child’s cognitive delay. Baker, et al. Am J Mental Retardation. Dec, 2002.
3) Parental warmth and controlling, in a positive way are the two most important parental attributes that help to create positive effects. In research terms this is parental affect and sensitivity. Positive emotional reactivity and self-regulation are important parental factors in developing healthy children’s temperament. Bates (link is external), et al Handbook of Temperament, Guilford Press, 2012.
4) Mothers and fathers share some childrearing attributes and effects, but also differ in important ways that create unique relationship qualities. (Stevenson & Crnic, 2015; Crnic et al., 2009). Both mothers and fathers of children with borderline intellectual functioning have more negative controlling parenting (child age 5-6) than did parents of typically developing children. In turn, those children with borderline intellectual functioning showed more difficult behavior. It is interesting that negative paternal behavior is predicted by earlier child behavior while negative maternal behavior predicts child difficulties. Fenning, et al. Journal of Family Psychology, April, 2014.