Avoiding Communication Fouls

Avoiding Communication Fouls

   

When communication between a couple breaks down, it’s often because the communication team has committed what can be called a “foul.” A foul occurs when two people go from speaking and listening respectfully into trading put downs, blaming, and sometimes, attempting to punish their partner with silence. When this happens, the whole team loses, because the course of communication becomes about winning an argument instead of finding a mutually favorable resolution.
As you practice your communication skills, be careful to not commit these common mistakes:

Foul #1: Criticism

Criticism is not always a negative thing. When it is not constructive however, it can lead to partners verbally attacking each other. Using criticism in communication implies that a problem or issue is the other person’s fault which may in fact be the case. Assigning blame to the other person through criticizing remarks though, places the listener on the defensive. The listener feels like they have to prepare a counter attack. This sort of communication isn’t a good foundation for addressing a conflict. Some might think that a criticism and a complaint are the same thing. In actuality, a complaint can be better than a criticism. A complaint can describe a particular issue, situation or behavior in a non-threatening way and therefore is preferable to criticism. To learn other differences, let’s look at some examples:
Criticism—You are always nagging me for watching TV, can’t you just leave me alone until I feel like talking?
Complaint—“Sometimes, I just need to relax and unwind by myself when I get home. If you let me have some time by myself, in a little while I’ll be ready to hear what you have to say.”

Foul #2: Sarcasm and Cynicism

Qualities of a Healthy Relationship

Qualities of a Healthy Relationship

Source: Family Bridges

1. Accept each other's basic personalities exactly the way they are. Never think you can change someone. However, expect yourselves to change over time as both of you mature together.
2. Find and pay attention to what you admire about each other.
3. Nurture your feelings of affection for each other.
4. Learn and practice skills to really listen and hear each other.
5. Learn and practice skills for resolving relationship conflicts.
6. Make time together and have some fun. Do not let conflicts or arguments spoil those times.
7. Take the time to learn what your partner wants as demonstration of your love.
8. Take the time to be affectionate and nurture one another.
9. Be a team—a united front. Tackle any problems as a team. Learn and practice skills for solving problems.
10. Learn from your mistakes. Learn to forgive.
11. Honor your commitment. Do not put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to mess around with someone else.
12. Recognize when you need support and know where you can find it.

A Game Plan for Effective Communication

A Game Plan for Effective Communication

   

A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning some basic communication skills. Effective communication skills can help a couple navigate through difficult topics that may be hard to discuss.

As couples, we communicate for many different reasons. It may be just to talk, or to manage the details of everyday life. Couples talk as a way to share ideas, ambitions and dreams. Often times couples communicate with the intent to resolve conflict in the relationship. Communication on all levels is essential for a relationship to thrive. Unfortunately, most couples do not know how to manage conflict and this can lead to disharmony in a relationship. All couples will experience conflict from time to time, how conflict is handled though is a key ingredient in the success of the marriage.
It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management. To help develop these skills there are certain steps to follow. The skills discussed in this tip sheet will help you to become a better listener and speaker.
One of the first skills in effective communication is to realize that a positive approach and a “win-win” mentality will serve you well. Having positive regard for your partner and his/her thoughts and feelings are an important step.
Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one "speaker" and one "listener" at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you are getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.
Taking turns as both the speaker and the listener gives each member of the team a chance to speak, listen and to be understood. One basic idea is that each person has a message to communicate. Sometimes the message is communicated through active listening and conveys to the other person that you understand what they said. Other times, the message is communicated by speaking directly to the other person. Take a turn doing both, and relinquish your turn as speaker to allow the listener the same opportunity to be understood. Clarify that you both understand what each other is saying both on a verbal and an emotional level.

Take a Chill

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, communication becomes too difficult for a couple. In these instances, someone gets angry, another stops playing by the rules, feelings get hurt or one person feels attacked. All of these negative behaviors undermine the goal of getting your message across, or hearing your partner’s concern. In these cases, taking a break from the discussion is best. To “take a chill” literally allows both people to let the heat and intensity of a discussion cool down enough to where it can be addressed under more relaxed circumstances. This communication break, or chill, can be for a few minutes or even longer if necessary. It should be long enough to give both speaker and listener time to regroup enough to re-engage in the discussion of the issue. An important element in deciding to “take a chill” is recognizing that when one person signals a need to pause the discussion, the other should respect their need for a break. In doing so, agree to a time when you will begin the discussion again. Taking a chill is a mutually agreed upon communication step with the understanding that the issue will be revisited later.
You can separately learn the skills for both speaking and listening but don’t forget to review other skills so you’ll know what not to do as you practice both roles.
Communication with one another is a powerful tool—it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.
The Ground Rules below are meant to give you tools to help your communication with one another.
Let’s get started with the tools you’ll need to get your message across.
Speaker in the House—Ground Rules for Communicating Your Message1
Speaker Rule #1: Pick the right time
While there is no perfect time to raise a difficult issue, some times are more appropriate than others. Use care in determining what those times may be. Try to pick a time when you and your partner are free of other distractions. This time should be when both you and your partner can approach it positively and give your full attention. For example, this time is likely not during a favorite TV show, immediately upon coming home from work, or during another scheduled activity. As the speaker, you can initiate the discussion by gauging what the most appropriate time may be or simply asking your partner when a good time to discuss an important issue is.
Speaker Rule #2: How You Start is How You’ll Finish
The way in which the speaker raises an issue is often a big predictor of how the discussion will go. If you begin the conversation in a harsh way by attacking or blaming your partner, you are likely to have an angry discussion. It is important to avoid creating an environment where the listener feels they need to defend themselves rather than simply discuss. In these cases, your message is not being heard because the listener is too busy defending themselves. Softening the way you begin the conversation with a calm, positive approach will increase the likelihood that your communication will be viewed as non-threatening. A non-threatening or safe communication environment will make the discussion seem worth participating in to the listener. Think of it as a “soft-beginning” where your words and tone are free of criticism or attack. Here are examples of harsh and soft beginnings.
Harsh Beginning—“You didn’t put gas in the car and I was late for work this morning.”
Soft Beginning—“I appreciate it when you put gas in my car, but when you can’t do that for me, let me know so I can make time to stop before work.”
Speaker Rule #3: Speak for Yourself
Stick to talking about how you, the speaker, feels. Also, describe the issue at hand for you, rather than stating what you may assume, think or observe to be the problem with your partner. Use the words “I” and “me” to describe things from your point of view. Beginning a conversation with “you” statements, can feel like an attack or attempt to blame the listener. Let’s use the issue of housework as an example:
“I” statement—I get frustrated when I come home from work and the kitchen is messy. This statement conveys a feeling of frustration about a messy house.
“You” statement—You don’t ever clean up after yourself. What have you been doing all day? This statement assigns blame on the listener for the messy house and attacks the listener by implying that they are lazy.
Speaker Rule #4: Be Short and to the Point
Try to tackle one issue at a time. Keep your point specific to issues, observations or feelings and raise only those things happening currently. Do not include negative comments that attack the other. For example, the following statement is an example of a personal attack: You were such a jerk last night. A more positive alternative statement would be, "My feelings were hurt last night when you left." It describes specific feelings as the result of an event. Explain your feelings and concerns simply, avoiding the temptation to use long or drawn-out descriptions of things. Getting to the point gives the listener a manageable amount of information. It also provides them with a greater chance to show that they understand your point. Being brief keeps the listener engaged in the discussion and makes them less likely to “tune-out.”

Love Rules

                   Love Rules

1. Say “I Love You” Every Day

Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”

2. Play Hard to Get

Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.

3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend

Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.
De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.
Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.

5. You Can Learn to Love Someone

Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.
Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.

6. Never Go to Bed Angry

Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.

7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer

Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.
Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.

10 Things You Can Do To Have A Healthy Marriage

10 Things You Can Do To Have A Healthy Marriage

   


It takes work to have a healthy marriage, but it is possible. Just like good nutrition and regular exercise can help you to have a healthy body, there are things you can do to have a healthy marriage.
Here are 10 tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:

1) Spend Time with Each Other.

Married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and weekend activities. If a getaway is not immediately possible, then make it a goal toward which you will work. By spending time with your partner, you will better understand your differences and how to negotiate the problems they may cause. Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion—healthy marriages need both.

2) Learn to Negotiate Conflict.

Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point, however, when it can increase in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. Working out problems in a relationship starts with understanding what your issues are and how to discuss them. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict. Using these resources can go a long way in preserving how safe you and your partner feel.

3) Show Respect for Each Other at All Times.

When a couple fails to respect each other, they often slip into negative habits. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show him or her respect. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if he or she did that to you.

4) Learn About Yourself First.

Make it a point to work on self-discovery. Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result, they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Learning about yourself will better equip you to grow as an individual and a partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, there are always more things you can learn about him or her. What are his dreams for the future? What is her worst fear? What is the way he or she best gives or receives love? Imagine the intimacy and bond you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about one another!

5) Explore Intimacy.

Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that intimacy does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being judgmental or making light of them. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner one type when they really need the other can create problems in your relationship.

How to Teach Your Child to Be More Responsible

by Parenting Today Staff | on March 23, 2016 | in Child Development, Parenting

Teaching children responsibility is one of the jobs you have as a parent. It’s daunting to think about but necessary. Many adults don’t understand responsibility, not for themselves, their finances or for anyone else. But teaching your child about accountability doesn’t have to be impossible. It doesn’t even have to be hard. Children who grow up to be responsible adults have usually had some guidance in their younger years. They’ve been given the chance to contribute to the household in some form, they’ve been taught about money and they’ve been given the independence to learn to rely on themselves.

Though children should be allowed to be children as they grow up, teaching them responsibility from a young age is equally important. One of the ways to teach them this is through chores. Having responsibilities around the house, and contributing to the family, can help them learn about being accountable. Chores also teach them about respect. They learn to respect what their parents do for them, the toys and belongings that are given to them and to respect their own ability to contribute in a meaningful way.

One of the biggest difficulties for adults is managing money. Good habits should be learned in childhood so that they have already had the practice necessary. Giving your child an allowance is the first step in teaching them about being financially responsible. In order to earn their allowance, children should need to compete their chores just as they will later in life. Teach them about saving and spending responsibly but then allow them to make their own decisions. This is where they can safely make mistakes about money and learn how to handle it to benefit themselves. This is also where you can teach them about charity, so that as adults they will know not only how to be responsible for themselves but also how to help others.

A lot of modern parenting encourages keeping your child wrapped in cotton-wool. But having some measure of independence is where they learn to rely on themselves. Children learn responsibility by being made to face the consequences of their actions. Don’t try to protect them wholly from themselves or their decisions. Learning comes from making mistakes and it’s better to make those mistakes as a child where the consequences aren’t as severe. Don’t be afraid to let your child spend time alone or be afraid to let them make decisions about their time, hobbies and friends. Give them the independence they need to grow into responsible adults who know how to take care of themselves.

Teaching children to be responsible doesn’t need to be impossible. Though there are many adults in the world who don’t know the meaning of responsibility, this doesn’t have to be the case for your children. Teach them to contribute through age-appropriate chores and they’ll better appreciate what you do for them and what work is. Give them a weekly or monthly allowance when they’d completed their chores and allow them to spend it how they wish. Whether spenders or misers, they’ll learn financial lessons that will carry into adulthood. And give them the independence to learn to entertain themselves, make their own decisions and to live with the consequences of those decisions. Give them the basic foundations of responsibility in childhood and you will have taught them to be the adults the world needs.

9 Tips on Saying “No” to Your Child

by Pam Myers, BSEd 

It is very hard to discipline a child. It can even be heartbreaking. You want to see a sunny smile on your child’s face, not a sad frown, tears, or the dreaded tantrum. Saying “no” the wrong way can cause long-term damage, but doing it the right way can make your child happy and give you long-term relief. Here are some effective tips on saying “no.”

Once is Enough

You must be firm in delivering your first “no”, so there is no need to reiterate. Use a serious facial expression and communicate the reasons why your child is not getting what they want. If the first “no” does not work, try a different approach, such as finding ways to say “yes.”

It is a major mistake to relent. If your child learns that they can harass you into a “yes”, they will manipulate you incessantly.

Explain

It is not enough to say “no.” Children do not understand and are likely to repeat misbehavior unless you give an explanation. The most effective way to say “no” is to give valid reasons your child can understand.

“Yes” Can Mean “No”

Children hear “no” too many times, harming their language development and potentially causing resentment. It is entirely possible to say “yes” while meaning “no.” For example, if your child asks for a cookie, you can reply: “Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.” If they ask for a new toy while shopping, say: “Yes, if this is what you want for Christmas.” In this way, your child has the opportunity to get what they want on a special day and learns to compromise.

Do Not Shout

Parenting 101 – Tips for Parents

Welcome to the internet parent education workshop. A place to build parenting skills that help parents to discipline kids from toddlers to teens as well as to encourage children and adolescents to feel positive about themselves and to become the winners they were meant to be. Lots of practical solutions for parents as well as tips for improving communication,building positive relationships and other useful parenting skills. The goal of parenting is to teach kids to develop self-discipline. Many parents feel spanking is necessary for effective discipline. When parents learn and apply the three Fs of Effective using the parenting techniques on this page and others, they find that yelling, screaming and spanking disappear and a positive relationship is establis

Guidelines For Parent Child Relationships

• Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child.
• Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
• Never give an order, request, or command without being able to enforce it at the time.
• Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior in the same manner as much as possible.
• Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
• Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
• Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he or she performs the undesirable behavior.
• Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not enough to say, “Your room is messy.” Messy should be specified in terms of exactly what is meant: “You’ve left dirty clothes on the floor, dirty plates on your desk, and your bed is not made.”
• Once you have stated your position and the child attacks that position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the position once more and then stop responding to the attacks.
• Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
• Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your children’s behavior.
• If one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters the room, that other person should not step in on the argument in progress.
• Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal praise, touch or something tangible such as a toy, food or money.
• Both of you should have an equal share in the responsibility of discipline as much as possible.

Want more help? Visit the [Parenting Skills] and the [Emotional & Social Development] sections of the CDI Store.

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The “3 Fs” of Effective Parenting

Discipline should be:

• Firm: Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs.

• Fair: The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe only one Time Out is received.

• Friendly: Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting a children know they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed upon” consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for appropriate behavior.

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The Parent As Teacher/Coach

See your role as that of a teacher or coach to your children. Demonstrate in detail how you would like them to behave. Have them practice the behavior. Give them encouragement along with constructive criticism.

• Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your children.
• Rather than tell them what not to do, teach and show them what they should do.
• Use descriptive praise when they do something well. Say, “I like how you ____ when you ____.” Be specific.
• Help your child learn to express how he feels. Say: “You seem frustrated.” “How are you feeling?” “Are you up set?” “You look like you are angry about that.” “It’s O.K. to feel that way.”
• Try to see a situation the way your children do. Listen carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how it would look to them.
• Use a soft, confident tone of voice to redirect them when they are upset.
• Be a good listener: Use good eye contact. Physically get down to the level of smaller children. Don’t interrupt. Ask open ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.
• Make sure they understand directions. Have them repeat them back.
• When possible give them choices of when and how to comply with a request.
• Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
• Develop a nonverbal sign (gesture) that your children will accept as a signal that they are being inappropriate and need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond to your prompt without getting upset.

The Use of Reward In Positive Parenting

When ever possible try to use reward and praise to motivate your child to improve their behavior.

For younger children you can use “grandma’s rule.” Say, “When you have picked up all your clothes, you may go out and play.” Be sure you use “when” rather than “if.”

Combine reward with time out for serious disruptive or defiant behaviors. Say, “Every time you ____, you will have a ____ time out. If you can go the whole (day, afternoon, etc.) without getting a time-out, you will earn ____..

The First Time Club

If you are having trouble getting your child to do something when you ask, have him become a member of “The First Time Club.”

1. Make up a chart with 30 squares.
2. Tell the child that each time he does something the first time he is asked, a happy face will be placed in a square. When all the squares are completed, he will earn a reward.
3. Mutually agree on the reward. For younger children, you can place a picture of the reward on the chart or for older children you can write it on the chart.
4. Then practice with the child how he is to behave. “Each time I ask you to do something, I want you to: (1) Use good eye contact, (2) Listen quietly, (3) Say OK I will ____. then (4) Do it.” Practice this, making a number of requests.
5. Then start the program.

Be sure to praise him for each success during practice as well as when the program starts. By the time the squares are filled, he will have developed a new habit. When he completes the program, provide the reward immediately. Take the chart down and let him have it as part of the reward. Continue to use praise and encouragement to make sure this new habit remains and becomes even stronger.

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The Family Chip System

If your child is having a lot of difficulty getting along at home consider using the “Family Chip System.” This is a very powerful tool. When used consistently, most children will show great improvement within just a few weeks. The program provides immediate reward for appropriate behavior and immediate consequences for inappropriate behavior. By the way, if you have other children around the same age as the child for whom you are designing this program, put them on the program as well. Children really like this system. Parents love the system.

Here are the steps to follow to use this program with your child:

Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness

For many parents, raising happy children is the holy grail of parenting success. But too often, we think happiness is about those fleeting moments of getting what you want. Lasting happiness is actually much more complicated, but much more rewarding. And yes, you can dramatically increase your child's chances of being happy, just by the way you raise him or her.
What makes a happy child who grows into a happy adult? Since happiness is a by-product of emotional health, this whole website is about helping you raise a happy child, from meeting your infant's need to be soothed, to helping your child develop optimism. But let's talk specifically about what makes humans happy.

What do you need to be happy? A winning lottery ticket?
The latest research on happiness gives us surprising answers. Happiness turns out to be less a result of luck and external circumstance than a product of our own mental, emotional, and physical habits, which create the body chemistry that determines our happiness level.
We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit.
It may seem odd to have happiness referred to as a habit. But it's likely that by the time we're adults, we have settled into the habit of often being happy, or the habit of being largely unhappy.

Happiness is closely linked to three kinds of habits:

1. How we think and feel about the world, and therefore perceive our experiences.
2. Certain actions or habits, such as regular exercise, eating healthfully, meditating, connecting with other people, even -- proven in study after study -- regularly smiling and laughing!
3. Character traits such as self-control, industry, fairness, caring about others, citizenship, wisdom, courage, leadership, and honesty.

In practice, these character traits are just habits; tendencies to act in certain ways when confronted with certain kinds of situations. And certainly it makes sense that the more we exhibit these traits, the better our lives work and the better we feel about ourselves, so the happier we are.
Some of the habits that create happiness are visible, the ways Grandma told us we ought to live: work hard, value relationships with other people, keep our bodies healthy, manage our money responsibly, contribute to our community.
Others are more personal habits of self management that insulate us from unhappiness and create joy in our lives, such as managing our moods and cultivating optimism. But once we make such habits part of our lives, they become automatic and serve a protective function.
How can you help your child begin to develop the habits that lead to happiness?

1. Teach your child constructive habits to manage his mind and thoughts to create happiness:

Managing our moods, positive self-talk, cultivating optimism, celebrating life, practicing gratitude, and appreciating our connected-ness to each other and the entire universe. Build these into your life together so you model them regularly, talk about using them, and your child will copy you.

2. Teach your child the self-management habits that create happiness:

Regular exercise, healthy eating, and meditation are all highly correlated with happiness levels. But you and your child may have your own, more personal strategies; for many people music is an immediate mood lifter, for others a walk in nature always works.

3. Cultivate fun.

The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! It actually changes our body chemistry. So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie?
And here’s a wonderful tool: smiling makes us happier, even when we initially force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us-- so that feedback loop uplifts everyone.

4. Help him learn how to manage his moods.

Most people don’t know that they can choose to let bad moods go and consciously change their moods. But practice in doing this can really make us happier. Of course, we aren't talking about denial. The first step is always to acknowledge the upset feelings, and let ourselves feel them. So with your child, simply empathizing with her upset feelings will help them start to evaporate.
But there are times when we just stay in a bad mood, rather than nurturing ourselves through the upset, or choosing to change it. That's just a habit that our brain has gotten into. If you can practice monitoring your own moods and shifting them, through acknowledging the feelings, allowing yourself to feel the emotions, correcting any negative thoughts that are giving rise to the emotions, and nurturing yourself, you'll be re-wiring your brain. And as you practice this and get better at it, you can teach these skills to your child.
Of course, the hard part is choosing to change a bad mood. While you're in it, it's hard to take constructive action to change things. You don't have to go from desolate to cheerful. Just find a way to help yourself feel slightly better. That empowers you to actually face what's upsetting you, and try to solve it. Sometimes just changing our the way we're thinking about a situation really shifts things. So, instead of "How can he be nasty to me like that, with all I do for him?!" you might try

"It's normal for children to get angry at their parents. He's struggling right now, and he needs me to try to understand him."

How to help your child with her moods? Sometime when she's in a good mood, talk with her about strategies for getting into a better mood: what works for her? Share what works for you. Then, when she’s in a bad mood, start by empathizing. After she's had some time to feel her upset, ask her if she wants help to change her mood. Even if she’s able to choose a better mood only one out of ten times initially, she’ll soon start to notice how much better her life works when she does it.

5. Model positive self- talk.

We all need a cheerleader to help us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks.

6. Cultivate optimism...

...it inoculates against unhappiness. It’s true that some of us are born more optimistic than others, but we can all cultivate it. Click here for "How you can help your child become more Optimistic".

7. Help your child find joy in everyday things.

Studies show that people who notice the small miracles of daily life, and allow themselves to be touched by them, are happier. Daily life overflows with joyful occurrences: The show of the setting sun, no less astonishing for its daily repetition. The warmth of connection with the man at the newsstand who recognizes you and your child. The joy of finding a new book by a favorite author at the library. A letter from Grandma. The first crocuses of spring.
As Albert Einstein said,

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Children learn by our example what's important in life.

8. Support your child to prioritize relationships.

Research shows that people who are happiest have more people in their lives, and deeper relationships with those people. Teach your child that while relationships take work, they're worth it.

9. Help your child develop gratitude.

 

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -- Frederick Keonig

Many people think they can't be grateful until they're happy, meaning until they have something to be grateful for. But look closely and you'll find that it's the opposite: people are happy because they are grateful. People who describe themselves as consciously cultivating gratefulness are rated as happier by those who know them, as well as by themselves.
Children don’t have a context for life, so they don’t know whether they are lucky or unlucky, only that their friend Brendon has more expensive sneakers. But there are many ways to help children learn to cultivate gratitude, which is the opposite of taking everything for granted. (Hint: Think modeling, not lecturing).

10. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought.

Engagement: Helping Your Child Find Their Passion

Enthusiasm. Engagement. It's almost the definition of childhood. A jaded, withdrawn child is a red flag that something is very wrong. But what happens as they grow up, and modern life gets in the way?

"If I were able to give my children any gift to sustain them in life, I believe I might give them passion for what they do. For if they can live from the heart, they will surely touch the sky."
-Steve Goodier

We all recognize that feeling of full engagement that gives meaning to our lives, when we apply ourselves so completely to the task at hand that we tap into all our resources and then some we never knew we had.
Abraham Maslow described these as “peak moments,” sports stars call it “being in the zone", zen masters express it as being fully present. Somehow, we bring ourselves so completely to the moment that we seem to step out of time, even out of ourselves. For all of us, it is when we are most fully alive.
Zen masters, of course, can experience this ecstatic state while doing the laundry or stirring the oatmeal, and such experiences, at least occasionally, are one of the many benefits of a regular meditation practice or athletic regimen. Small children actually live in this state much of the time.
Most humans, however, are more likely to experience peak moments while striving towards a goal. Dopamine, a highly pleasurable neurotransmitter released in the brain in response to alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine and other mood altering drugs, is naturally present in the brain when we wholeheartedly pursue a goal. So we might think of the neurotransmitters that "reward" us for pursuing our goals as nature's way of insuring that we stay motivated and engaged. Study after study exploring happiness indicates that humans are happiest when they are fully engaged in a challenging activity.
There was a time when pursuing goals meant putting food on the table, keeping the tribe safe, or excelling at intellectual, athletic or artistic pursuits. Unfortunately, the satisfaction and pleasure humans get from achieving goals in our culture has become warped by the emphasis on money and possessions. The attainment of material wealth, including higher salaries, is less satisfying the more we have. And by occupying all of our time and energy, it can devalue other pursuits and leave us with more shallow lives.
Unfortunately, this is true for kids as well. Studies show that affluent children are less enthusiastic, less likely to report deriving pleasure from their activities, and more likely to report being bored. They also report being under more pressure from parents to perform academically and in extracurricular activities, which can take the joy out of simply pursuing their own passions.
Engagement is protective for all of us, adults and kids alike. It gives depth to our lives. And it inoculates children against some of the temptations they face. Kids who are passionate about something -- basketball, chess, collecting comic books, playing the trumpet – tend to protect their passion. Smoking compromises the trumpet player’s wind, late nights carousing throw off the ball player’s game, and the serious student knows she wants her mind clear for tomorrow's test.

So how can we help our children
to experience the rewards of full engagement?

1. Remember that happiness results more from the fully engaged pursuit of a meaningful goal than from its attainment.

As hard as it is for you, don’t be too quick to satisfy all your child's desires. She''ll get much satisfaction if you help her set meaningful goals and work towards them. In our age of instant gratification, this is a lost art form.

2. Help kids find something meaningful to them to strive for.

10 Tips To Raise a Competent Child

Competence is the ability to effectively accomplish our goals. We are able to be present enough to stay on track, to notice what's needed and respond accordingly. We act with feeling, even with inspiration, but we don't let emotions derail us. Competence in adults is a prerequisite to achieving professional and personal success. But what is competence in children?
Competent children are able to handle emotional challenges well enough to tackle the age-appropriate developmental tasks of each stage of development, master them, and emerge with greater confidence.
Children who see themselves as competent and capable feel powerful. They are more likely to be resourceful, to believe in themselves, to attempt difficult challenges, and to exhibit resilience in the face of setbacks.
How can you help your child develop competence, which is really a mix of confidence, resourcefulness, perseverance, mastery, and other traits??

1. Let him try to do it himself from the earliest age.

Rein in your own impatience. That doesn’t mean abandoning him to it. Stand by, smiling, ready to be helpful in whatever way actually helps your toddler -- BUT keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself except to give appropriate encouragement, unless you REALLY need to help physically.
Clucking anxiously about how worried you are as he climbs that play structure may make you feel better, and it may impress the other parents on the playground with your attentiveness, but it won't help your child. In fact, it unintentionally limits him.
Just ask if he is keeping himself safe, then stand by and spot him. Smile proudly. Say

 

"Look at you! I knew you could do it!"

(And if he falls, you’re there to catch him. Which is, after all, what allowed him to try it.)

2. Help her build confidence by tackling manageable challenges with your assistance.

Emotional development researchers call this "scaffolding," which could be defined as the framework you give your child on which she builds. You demonstrate one step at a time, or use questions to suggest each step, or simply spot her, which helps her to succeed when she tries something new.
These small successes achieved with your help give her the confidence to try new things herself. Scaffolding also teaches children that help is always available if they need it. You want your kids to know that deep in their bones before they hit adolescence.

3. Encourage mistakes.

As Ms. Frizzle of the Magic Schoolbus always said, "Get messy! Take chances!" Children who get the message that spilled milk is a problem and there is one right way to do things often end up with less initiative and creativity. Just hand her the sponge and say "We always clean up our own messes. I'll help."

4. Don’t set him up for failure.

Intervene early and offer structure to help him succeed. Should you step in when you see failure ahead, or "let him learn a lesson"? Always a hard call.
Rescuing children can prevent them from learning important lessons. But research shows that children who see their parents stand by and let them fail experience that as not being loved. Instead of learning the lesson that they should have practiced that clarinet, or read the directions on that science kit, they learn the lesson that they are failures, that they cannot manage themselves, and that their parents did not care enough to help them not be failures or teach them to manage themselves.
But isn't stepping in “rescuing them?” That all depends on how it's done. If you take over the science fair project and do half of it the night before it's due, that's worse than rescuing: not only does your son learn that you will bail him out if he goofs off, he learns that he is incompetent.
But if you help him each step of the way to organize his ideas and his work, BUT resist the impulse to improve on the project yourself, he completes the job, hugely proud, and having learned something about how to plan and execute a complex project.

Can Your Child's Self Esteem Be Too High?

"Unconditionality...a solid core of belief in yourself, an abiding sense that you're competent and worthwhile--even when you screw up or fall short--that creates a more stable form of self-esteem, which, in turn, carries a range of psychological and social advantages."
-Alfie Kohn

What is self-esteem? It's the way we regard our "self." So high self esteem means we see ourselves as good and capable, that we are "secure" in our value. Low self esteem means we see ourselves as not good enough, that we are "insecure" about our own value.
Every parent wants their children to love themselves, to be confident, happy people. But some parents worry that children can have self esteem that is "too high."
There is no such thing. We cannot see ourselves as too good, too capable, too valuable.
The worry these parents are expressing is that their child might have an over-inflated view of his own abilities, or a conviction that he's more important than other people. But that's not self esteem. That's grandiosity, and it derives from insecurity. Low self-esteem can sometimes express itself in self-deprecating behavior, but more often expresses itself as arrogance, a need to believe that we are better than others. This is a defense against the deep fear that we aren't good enough, so we must constantly measure ourselves against others and win.

By contrast, people with high self esteem are secure enough in their sense of value that they don't need to compare themselves to others or inflate their abilities: they are more than enough, just exactly as they are.

So if you've heard that kids with high self-esteem act entitled, superior, narcissistic, or full of themselves, that's just not true. Any psychological measure that measures these traits is not measuring self-esteem, but grandiosity, which is the opposite of self-esteem.
So how can you help your child develop high self esteem? There are two components, as I mentioned above -- the sense that you're good, and the sense that you're capable. I'm using "good" in the sense that the child feels that she is of value, regardless of what she does, and regardless of whether she succeeds or fails. I'm using "capable" in the sense that the child feels capable of meeting his needs and achieving his own aspirations. Let's dig more deeply into these.

Step 1:

The core of self-esteem is "Stable Internal Happiness," a phrase that was coined by Martha Heineman Pieper, the author of Smartlove . (You can listen to an interview with her here.) Stable Internal Happiness is the secure sense that one is good and capable, and that the world is a good place, despite the inevitable wins and losses that life will present.
While some people have a natural tendency to better moods and more optimism than others, "stable internal happiness" can be fostered in any child with unconditional love. Just telling children we love them is not sufficient to develop healthy self-esteem. The child must feel that she's loved unconditionally. What does that kind of parenting look like?

1. Parenting that communicates that this child is appreciated and adored, exactly as she is.

She knows that she inspires your love just by being herself. She doesn't have to prove herself, work a bit harder, be a bit better behaved. It doesn't matter if she wins or lose, succeeds or fails.

2. Parenting that is responsive to this unique child's needs and emotions.

Sound familiar? This is the same kind of parenting that fosters secure attachment, which is an overlapping concept that raises a child who feels worthy and safe. These parents stay connected even while the child becomes increasingly independent. They accept and affirm all of who the child is, including those messy, challenging, negative human feelings. All parents encounter times when staying positive regarding a tantrumming toddler, recalcitrant ten year old, or rude teenager can seem almost impossible, and we're tempted to withdraw into anger. But giving a child the cold shoulder doesn’t teach her anything positive about how to build a relationship. Worse, it teaches her that your love is conditional on her acting a certain way. As always, when kids are at their least lovable is when they need our love the most.

Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health

"When children feel understood, their loneliness and hurt diminish. When children are understood, their love for their parent is deepened. A parent's sympathy serves as emotional first aid for bruised feelings. When we genuinely acknowledge a child's plight and voice her disappointment, she often gathers the strength to face reality."
-Haim Ginott

I see parents and children make breakthroughs every day. And guess what makes the most difference? Empathy. If we can actually see things from our child's perspective, everything changes. Not that we let our child do whatever he wants just because we understand why he wants to. But once we understand, we can intervene so that our child feels understood, and help him meet the needs that he was trying to meet all along, from connection to mastery to feeling valued.
Empathy is more than the foundation of emotional intelligence; it’s the foundation of effective parenting, according to John Gottman, the author of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child . Why? Because it’s essential to your ability to understand your child and connect with her. Because it will prevent you from visiting on your child all the issues from your own childhood. And because without it, your child simply won’t feel loved, no matter how much you love her.
Empathy is often defined as seeing things from the other person’s point of view. But empathy is actually a physical event, controlled by the insula in our right brain. The structure of the right brain is formed during the first two years of life, before your baby becomes verbal. Scientists suspect that the right brain is the orchestrator of intimacy. The insula connects the brain with the heart, digestive organs, and skin. So when our heart leaps, or our stomach turns, or our skin crawls, the insula is sending us a message. And when we feel deep empathy, we feel it in our bodies. That means a more accurate definition of empathy is “feeling” from the other person’s point of view.

When a parent bestows the gift of empathy on a child, that visceral connection changes everything.

Empathy strengthens the relationship bond. Empathy helps the child to feel understood, less alone with her pain and suffering. Empathy heals. And the experience of empathy teaches the little one about the deepest ways that humans connect, providing her with a launching pad for every future relationship.
How do children develop empathy? It happens naturally, as part of healthy emotional development, as long as children experience empathy from their caretakers. That's why parenting with empathy is a double gift to your child: In addition to your empathy helping him learn to manage his emotions, experiencing your empathy will also help him to develop empathy for others. This giving of empathy is also a gift to you, because children who feel your empathy are much more cooperative in accepting your guidance. Translation: It makes parenting a lot easier!
But most parents find the idea of parenting with empathy anxiety-producing. How exactly do you “do” it?
You already know. Every time you say, “I know how you feel” or “Looks like you had a hard day,” you’re being empathic. Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from your child’s point of view, that’s empathy.
Sounds simple, right? Then why is empathy so powerful? Imagine empathy as a mirror that you hold up to your child. Your acknowledgment of what he’s feeling helps him to recognize and accept his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve.
Humans are creatures of passion. Emotions are constantly arising within us, influencing our moods and actions, and then passing away. Think of the strongest emotions you’ve felt in the past month, and then imagine how powerful your child’s emotions are, given his inexperience and intellectual immaturity. Kids are swept with passionate feelings many times a day. They need their parents to help them learn to navigate this world of emotion, so that they don’t get swamped by its intensity. Most of the time, when children (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. We don’t have to act on them, or even to like them, merely to acknowledge their presence.
Repressed feelings, on the other hand, don't fade away, as feelings do that have been acknowledged. Repressed feelings are trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren't under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a preschooler socks her sister, or a seven year old has nightmares, or an eleven year develops a nervous tic.
Our acceptance of his emotions teaches our child that his emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. Everyone has felt this, there’s even a name for it! He feels understood and accepted. He learns that he isn’t alone to cope with the crush of his powerful emotions.

What Empathy Isn’t:

Permissiveness.

You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge his unhappiness about those limits. Don't be defensive. It's important to your child that you be able to tolerate his disappointment and anger.

Solving the problem.

The point is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you'll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you'll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.

Agreeing.

Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.

Probing.

"Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's showing you.

Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up.

I promise you, empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under to resurface later. Once she has a chance to notice, accept, and maybe express the feeling, she will feel ready for "cheering up" in the sense of a change of scene and topic. And you've given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.

Arguing with the feeling.

That just invalidates him.

What Empathy Is:

Listening without the pressure to solve anything.

Don't take it personally. Breathe. Detach.

Acknowledging and Reflecting.

"You sure are angry at your brother." or
"You seem worried about the field trip today."

Resonating.

Match your reaction with his mood. Being a bit downcast because his team lost the soccer game doesn't merit a reaction from you as if someone had died. Similarly, mechanically parroting "It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you" is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your teen.
For More on Empathy: When Empathy Doesn't "Work"

5 Steps To Nurture Emotional Intelligence in Your Child

So you want to raise an emotionally intelligent child and and you're wondering where to begin? Start with these five steps.

1. Acknowledge your child’s perspective and empathize.

Even if you can't "do anything" about your child's upsets, empathize. Just being understood helps humans let go of troubling emotions. If your child's upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then we're free to move on.
Empathizing doesn’t mean you agree, just that you see it from his side, too. He may have to do what you say, but he’s entitled to his own perspective. We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it just makes it easier when we don’t get our way.

 

“It’s hard for you to stop playing and come to dinner, but it’s time now.”

“You wish you could have me all to yourself, don’t you?”

“You’re so disappointed that it’s raining.”

“You want to stay up later like the big kids, I know.”

“You’re mad your tower fell!”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Feeling understood triggers soothing biochemicals; that neural pathway you’re strengthening each time he feels soothed is what he’ll use to soothe himself as he gets older.
• Children develop empathy by experiencing it from others.
• You’re helping your child reflect on his experience and what triggers his feelings. For little ones, just knowing there’s a name for their feeling is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.

2. Allow expression

Little ones can't differentiate between their emotions and their "selves." Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives children the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable.
Disapproving of her fear or anger won't stop her from having those feelings, but it may well force her to repress them. Unfortunately, repressed feelings don't fade away, as feelings do that have been freely expressed. They’re trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren’t under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a child socks her sister, has nightmares, or develops a nervous tic.
Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while some actions must be limited.

 

“You're so mad your brother broke your toy! I understand, AND it's never okay to hit, even when you're very mad. Tell your brother in words how you feel.

“You seem worried about the field trip today. I used to get nervous on field trips too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?”

"You're so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning...I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want."

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Your acceptance helps your child accept her own emotions, which is what allows us to resolve our feelings and move on, so she is better able to regulate her own emotions.
• Your acceptance teaches your child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.

3. Listen to your child’s feelings.

Often, your child just needs a chance to feel heard while she expresses her feelings. Whether your child is 6 months or sixteen, she needs you to listen to the feelings she’s expressing. Once she feels and expresses them, she’ll let them go and get on with her life. In fact, you’ll be amazed at how affectionate and cooperative she’ll be once she has a chance to show you how she feels. But to feel safe letting those feelings up and out, she needs to know you’re fully present and listening. Assured that it’s safe, children have an amazing ability to let their feelings wash over and out, leaving them relaxed and cooperative. Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to make those troublesome feelings go away. Your child instinctively knows how to heal herself.

 

“You seem so unhappy right now. Everybody gets upset sometimes... I’m right here. Tell me about it.”

“You are so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. I’m right here listening and see all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are.

“You are so mad you’re yelling at me to go away. I’ll move back a little. But these feelings hurt and scare you, and I won’t leave you alone with these upsetting feelings. I’m right here and you’re safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want, and when you’re ready, I am right here to hug you.”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
The nature of healthy human emotions is to move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression. But children are terrified of their strong emotions overwhelming them, so they try to fend them off until they feel safe enough to experience them. Because emotions are stored in the body, tantrums are nature’s way to help young children vent. When we help our children feel safe enough to feel and express their emotions, we not only heal their psyches and bodies; we help them trust their own emotional process so that they can handle their own emotions as they get older, without tantrums or repression.

4. Teach problem solving

Emotions are messages, not mud for wallowing. Teach your child to breathe through them, feel them, tolerate them without needing to act on them, and, once they aren’t in the grip of strong emotion, to problem-solve and act if necessary.
Most of the time, once kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you don't have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.

 

“You’re so disappointed that Molly can’t come over because she’s sick. You were really looking forward to playing with her. When you’re ready, maybe we can brainstorm ideas of something else to do that sounds like fun.”

“You’re pretty frustrated with Sam not giving you a turn. Sometimes you feel like not playing with him anymore. But you also really like playing with him. I wonder what you could say to Sam, so that he could hear how you feel?”

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Kids need to express their feelings, but they also need to know how to shift gears to find constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part.
• Research shows that simply empathizing with our kids is insufficient to teach them to manage their feelings, because they still feel at the mercy of their emotions. Teaching kids to honor their feelings as signals about things they need to handle differently in their lives empowers kids.
• All children need coaching to learn to express their needs without attacking the other person.

5. Play it out

When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesn’t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: Play. For instance:
For instance, maybe your four year old always wants Mommy. Instead of taking it personally, help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers Mom by playing a game where poor bumbling Dad "tries" unsuccessfully to keep him away from her. Dad gets between Mom and son, and roars “I won’t let you get to Mom….Hey, you just ran right around me!...You pushed me right over!...You are too strong!....But this time you won’t get past me!”
Your four year old will giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom. He'll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her.
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
All children experience big feelings on a daily basis. They often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. Emotionally healthy kids process these feelings with play, which is how little ones of all species learn. Helping your child “play” out his big inner conflicts lets him resolve them so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.
Your child can’t put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; that’s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and resolve them without even needing to talk about them.

Laughter releases stress hormones just as well as tears -- and is a lot more fun.