The Second Half of Life Relationship Rules: 6 Ways to Keep the Fires Burning

By Sharkie Zartman, MA

When we got married, people were taking bets on how long our union would last. The average bet was between two weeks and two years because of our age difference and personalities. Let’s just say, my husband is calm, wise, and conservative and I am the exact opposite. I do remember feeling really shaky when I said my vows … “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part.” Now that’s a huge promise! Could I really do this?

Flash forward forty years. We are still married, happy and love each other, although it hasn’t been an easy road and our relationship has been tested on many occasions, and I’m sure more will come as we navigate through our senior years.

Someone once said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for breakfast and lunch.” I never really understood that until now. Obviously, when couples first get married, it is exciting, challenging, romantic, and fun. And then if children come along, the marriage gets even more interesting and challenging as people try to raise their kids together. But after the kids are gone, and retirement looms, people start to feel displaced as their roles in life change. Who are we without our careers and kids? What do we have to talk about? And why do we keep bumping into each other in the kitchen?

So in order to keep a relationship going all the way to the end, here are six rules of engagement to keep the fires burning.

Stay Vibrant and Interesting! Continue to learn and try new experiences. You can do this as a couple or individual. No one likes to get stuck in a boring routine or a mundane life, so make sure you keep reinventing both yourself and you as a couple.

Keep Your Relationship Together: The 10 Essentials

By Dr. Michael Levittan, Licensed Psychotherapist, and Recognized Expert on Domestic Violence, Anger Management, Child Abuse, and PTSD

This is not the 50s or even the 90s. Relationships seem to be more and more transitory. Divorce rates are high, break-ups frequent, and long-term commitment is more the exception than the rule. There is hope, as there do exist some simple, universal, essentials that people require from their partners. These needs may be simple, but they are not easy to provide or to obtain from your partner.

The 10 Essential Human Needs:

1. Safety – Our instinct to survive supersedes all other needs! Therefore, our first priority on the deepest unconscious level – and sometimes on the conscious level – is to stay safe. We can provide SAFETY for our partner by not attacking them with words or actions, and by not threatening to end the relationship – even at those moments when we might think it or feel like leaving.

2. Respect – Right after safety comes respect as a primary need. When you show respect to someone, you take them seriously and give them consideration and importance as a fellow human being. A major trigger of hurt or anger is when a person feels disrespected. With mutual respect, relationships have a solid foundation that provides the opportunity to work through inevitable differences and disagreements that occur.

Communication Between Couples: How to Communicate in a Relationship

Most people have never learned how to communicate.  Without this skill, a person is handicapped in an intimate relationship.  Without being able to express themselves and listen to another, partners cannot achieve intimacy.  By developing your communication skills, you and your partner will be able to establish and preserve a loving, respectful relationship between two people who love each other.

The Purpose of Communication in Relationships

One of the biggest problems in communicating is that most couples have a basic misconception of what the purpose of communication is.  Most approach talking with a partner as a debate in which each presents a preconceived version of the reality of what is going on between the two partners.

The fault with this approach is the mistaken assumption that either partner can go into the conversation with an accurate perception of reality.  This is not possible because neither person has the necessary information to determine what reality is, that is: what is going on between them.

One purpose of communication is to determine what reality is.  Communication involves the collaboration of two people as they share and examine all of their perceptions, feelings, ideas and thoughts to come to an accurate understanding of what is happening.

Collaborative Communication

Everyone knows that communication is simply a matter of talking and listening.  However, most of us mistakenly believe that the matter of communicating is simple.  We fail to realize that rather than involving innate abilities, communication involves specific skills can be learned and developed in ourselves in order to talk with and listen to our loved ones.

Step 1:  Approaching a conversation with your partner

Step 2:  Talking to your partner

Step 3:  Listening to your partner

Step 4: Determining reality with your partner

Step 1:  Approaching a Conversation with Your Relationship Partner

Rule #1 to follow when going into a conversation with your partner: unilaterally disarm.  That is, give up the need to be right!!  You are not going into a battle that you have to win.

This is not to say that you are will have to compromise or capitulate.  This is not to say that you can’t be angry, frustrated or provoked.  You have a right to all of your thoughts and feelings.

Just consider that your partner may have something to say that is worth listening to and considering.  This conversation is not a battleground where you must prove that you are right; it is not a fight that you must win.    

Step 2:  Talking to Your Relationship Partner

Going into a conversation, there is only one reality that a person can be sure of: you can know what your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions are.  You can be sure of nothing else: not the other person’s thoughts, feelings or perceptions; not even the reality of what is going on between the two of you.

The only thing that you and your partner each needs to bring to the conversation is something that each of you can be sure of: your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions.  However, talking personally about yourself is often more challenging than you might think.

Focus on yourself.

It is an unfortunate reality that, within almost all couples, one person is victimized by the other.  As a result, the focus of many of their discussions is on blaming each other.  In your effort to talk about yourself, avoid the temptation to lapse into attacking, accusing, criticizing or blaming your partner.

You are here to talk about you.  Not about your partner or the kids or work or your friends.  About you.  What would you say about yourself?  Look at your partner and think of what you could reveal about yourself to him-her at this moment.

Reveal feelings that are embarrassing or humiliating.

It is important to recognize your irrational feelings.  Don’t dismiss them as being inappropriate, immature or meaningless.  Make an effort to talk about the feelings that you would much rather skip over.  The feelings that you fear will cause you embarrassment or humiliation should you disclose them.

For example, if you feel hurt or disappointed discuss these feelings with your partner.  Avoid the temptation to defend yourself by becoming victimized and righteous.  This is not about how you shouldn’t be hurt or disappointed.  It is just about the simple truth that you are hurt or disappointed, and that it is causing you emotional pain.

Reveal your personal wants.

People often feel embarrassed to talk about what they want.  Not the easy wants: I want to go to that new restaurant, I want a new jacket, I want to go on a trip.  But the personal wants that come from deep down in you where you feel the most vulnerable:  I want you to complement me, I want to be affectionate with you, I want to have a baby with you.

Many of us have grown up feeling ashamed of our wants.  However, the more that you communicate on this level, the more in touch with yourself you will be–the more authentic you will be as a person–the closer your partner will be able to feel to you.

When you and your partner communicate on this personal level, many of the trivial issues between you vanish.  It becomes apparent that they were merely inconsequential issues meant to distract you in your relationship.

Finally, talk to your partner with the decency and respect with which you talk to anyone else.

Most people have a special way of communicating that they reserve for their partners.  What makes it special is that it includes abusive behaviors such as: being complaining, demanding, bossy, irritable, sarcastic, childish, parental, condescending…to name a few.

When you are talking with your partner, stop and ask yourself: “Would I be talking like this to anyone else?”  Do you hear yourself complaining (I’m so tired!) or demanding (Get me a drink of water!!) or deferring (What should I order for dinner?) in ways you never hear yourself with other people?

Try to treat your partner with the respect and decency with which you treat any other person….after all, your partner is another person.

Step 3:  Listening to Your Relationship Partner

Going into a conversation, you have very little awareness of what your partner really thinks and feels.  You may think you do because you recognize an expression that he-she always gets when he-she is hurt.  Or you might have even exchanged some heated words.  But until you have listened to your partner, you know almost nothing.

Listening is a skill that needs to be learned and developed.  Just because we hear does not mean that we are listening.  Only when we listen with an unconditional interest in understanding the person who is talking to us, can we truly get to know that person.

Are You (Really) Ready for a Relationship? Here’s How to Tell…

By Dr. Seth Meyers

Calling all singles: Think you’re ready for a relationship? Now is the time to check in with yourself and determine whether you really and truly are ready for a relationship. Though you may tell yourself you’re sure you’re ready and really want to settle down with someone, you first have to look at your behavior. Ultimately, your behavior — not what you say — is the truth-teller.

A recent session with a client of mine in his late 20s perfectly reflects the push-pull between what we think we want versus what we actually want. Jake sat on the green corduroy couch in my office and played with the zipper on his hoodie. He talked about his erratic love life and had just finished recounting yet another experience he’d had, this time with a woman he met the previous Saturday night. “I just really want a girlfriend,” he proclaimed, looking out the window and letting out a big sigh. In one quick sentence, he summed up what he thought he wanted.

Simply put, I saw things differently. Jake didn’t really want a girlfriend, as much as he tried to tell himself otherwise. How did I know? Because his behavior told me what he actually wanted. Note that Jake spent most weekends hitting the bars with his buddies and having hookups that never went anywhere. Did Jake’s behavior show that all he wanted was to hookup? That he was in total denial when he said that he wanted a girlfriend? With Jake, as with most people, the reality is not so black and white. The truth is that Jake was conflicted: A part of him wanted real intimacy with a girlfriend, while the other part enjoyed the highs that came with hookups.

18 Ways to Help the Communication in Your Relationship

By Jeannie Assimos, Vice President, Content

We all know that communication can make or break any relationship. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Davin has come up with some excellent tips to remember when dealing with any of your loved ones. Enjoy her guest blog below — and try to remember a few of her helpful points the next time you sit down to have an important chat.

“We don’t know how to communicate.”

“We don’t know how to fight fair. How do you do that?”

“Most of our conversations become arguments and remain unresolved.”

I hear these comments often, which is a reminder of just how universal communication difficulties are, especially in intimate relationships. These difficulties result in conversations that many times remain unresolved or escalate to an argument.

The Impact of Facebook on Relationships

The Dance

The back and forth between two people (spouses, partners, mother/child, co-workers) is referred to as the “dance” and is maintained and reinforced by both parties, though in varying degrees. In therapy, we work towards changing the “dance” or communication patterns and take what is discussed and practiced in the therapy room, to the “real world”—their life, their everyday exchanges.

Ultimately, each person learns how to become more effective and proficient at expressing what they are feeling and thinking. In addition, they will be able to listen to the other person, without interjecting, talking over, interrupting, or responding defensively. A tall order! Yes, I know. But, it is possible. I have been witness to this process many times and it’s remarkable each time it occurs!

Creating Change

In the beginning, and especially in the heat of the moment, the ability to communicate effectively is that much more challenging. Even for the seasoned therapist such as myself who helps people on a daily basis, I have my moments where conversations in my relationship do not go as planned. No relationship is perfect, mine included. The proof, however, is in the desire to be open to change, remain flexible in your thinking, and figure out what works for both people.

Financial Infidelity: It’s a Bigger Deal Than You Think

Thus, a few “tools” go a long way. Over time and with practice, change will and does occur. This creates hope for future, healthier conversations. The key? Start small, have a plan, and decide on a couple of changes together. This helps the couple feel they are working together to mend their differences, which reinforces their relationship.

Strategies To Improve Communication

1. Create your own marriage or relationship rules. People don’t always know how to start this process, but they really like this idea! They find it to be eye-opening, beneficial, and helps create a conversation about their relationship.

2. Before you get into any discussion, determine the emotional mood you are in and then communicate that to the other person. Ask, “Is this a good time to talk?” If not, ask when might be a good time? Schedule a time and then both people need to honor the plan.

3. Forgo technology one night a week. Research has proven that overuse of technology can negatively affect relationships.

4. Request an apology if you think you deserve one. Be the one to extend the olive branch once in awhile.

5. Mind-reading does not work and is futile—though, people keep trying. It’s your responsibility to tell your partner what you want and need. It is not his or hers to figure it out.

6. Take certain trigger words off the table—the D word (divorce), I am leaving/I am out of here—especially in the heat of an argument.

7. If your partner is making an honest attempt to repair the relationship, then try and make a physical connection.

8. Negotiating is not the same as complaining. Negotiating means that you state clearly, without fighting or blaming, how the status quo needs to change, embarking on a new direction. (Harriet Lerner)

9. Learn how to self-regulate! By this, I mean, manage your own emotions. You are responsible for yourself, not anyone else.

Top 10 Parenting Tips

These key tactics come in handy when you're raising kids.

By Gina Shaw

Parenting advice changes so often that it's easy to feel like you're doing it wrong no matter what.

But Laura Markham, PhD, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, has her own tips that have nothing to do with choosing between grounding and the time-out chair. Instead, they're all about your relationship with your child.

1. Connect.

Set aside "10 minutes of special time with you every day for each child. Call it 'Hannah time' or 'Ethan time,' so they know it's all about them. One day, they pick what to do. The next day, you pick. But focus all your attention on your child, with all your heart.

“Make sure any siblings are occupied elsewhere -- and put your phone away! Ninety percent of your interactions with your child should be about connecting so she can accept the 10% about correcting."

2. Control your own emotions first.

"No matter what the issue -- bad grades at school, temper tantrums, refusal to eat dinner -- before you intervene with your child, always start by calming yourself. Most of the time, an issue with your child may feel like an emergency, but it isn't. You can take a deep breath and step away in order to calm yourself and be the parent you want to be.”

3. Reconnect when you set limits.

"Don't yell, 'Clean up your Legos, it's time for bed,' from the kitchen. Go to where he is, get down on his level, and take a look at what he's doing. We're always rushing kids through the schedule. Take a minute to sit down and admire what he's made -- then talk about bedtime. If you set your limit with empathy, he's more likely to cooperate."

4. Don't shut down the conversation.

"If your child says, 'I hate math! I'm never going to school again!' he's probably not just being difficult. Heightened emotions mean something's going on. If you just say, 'Of course you're going to school, now do your homework,' you've closed the door on finding out what he's really feeling.

“Instead, open the door by saying something like, 'It sounds like you really don't like math. Can you tell me about it?' That helps the child feel safe opening up to you."

CONTINUED

5. Welcome tears.

"Part of your job as a parent is helping your child manage his or her emotions, and sometimes we all need to cry. Parents think that when kids cry you have to quickly calm them down, but it's the opposite. Teach them that those big emotions, like hurt and anger, aren't dangerous. If you see your child getting cranky or aggressive, take a minute to acknowledge your own irritation (see tip No. 2) and then shift to compassion and empathy.

“Your job is to help your child feel safe enough to express the big, scary feelings -- and yes, even let him have a meltdown in the safety of your arms. If he can't articulate them, you can help him show you by setting kind limits, saying something like 'Oh sweetie, I see you're upset. I'm sorry this is so hard.'"

6. Take lots of time for laughter.

"Kids need belly laughs. Set aside time for roughhousing and goofiness. Laughter helps kids feel safe, and helps them transition when they have to leave you for school or a babysitter, because they feel connected.

“But I don't recommend tickling to get kids laughing. … It doesn't accomplish the goal of release, and it can make kids feel out of control."

7. Avoid power struggles.

"We are told as parents that we're supposed to be in charge, and children are supposed to do what we say. But no one wins a power struggle, so don't get stuck on showing who's boss.

“For example, if your child always resists dinner, think about the real needs involved. If she says she's not hungry now but then she's hungry later, maybe she means it. Is it the end of the world if she eats her dinner while you read her bedtime story?"

8. Don't take it personally.

"If your child is upset and lashes out, it's usually not about you. Don't attack back. If your child is rude to you, I would try responding, 'Ouch! We don't speak to each other that way. You must be very upset to talk to me like that.' That opens the door for talking instead of escalating."

CONTINUED

9. Help your child learn self-discipline.

"Self-discipline is giving up something you want for something you want more. That's essential as a child grows up. If they want to get good at something, they have to learn to manage themselves through the hard spots. If his train tracks won't fit together or her puzzle is too hard, empathize with the frustration and encourage your child to work through the problem."

10. Never interrupt a playing child.

"OK, you can't always follow that rule. But play is a child's work. If they love doing something so much that they lose themselves in it, that's the kind of passion and flow they'll need to be successful in whatever they do as an adult."

Stop Letting Media Teach Girls Their Self-Worth

Michelle Cove 

“Write down eight of your most positive qualities.”

I have asked hundreds of girls and women to do this. I am talking about the positive traits that describe who they are internally, their core selves. This activity is part of the programming we do for MEDIAGIRLS, a nonprofit that teaches girls to strike back against media messaging saying their worth comes from how sexy and thin they are. If we are going to tell girls to stop measuring their worth against impossible beauty standards, we must give them a better measuring stick.

My goal is to help girls understand that they have inherent self-worth. They don’t have to have a “thigh gap” or make their lips seem fuller. Nor do they have to scale a rock-climbing wall or get straight A’s. They already are unique and valuable as they are. Very few girls and women, we’ve learned, have stopped to ever think about their best qualities. Girls may be told they’re “special” or “loved,” if they’re lucky. But that is very different than understanding and appreciating what makes them unique and worthwhile.

Best pie you’ll ever make 
We ask our participants to create an identity pie-chart (see pic) and map out eight qualities that describe their core self. They often balk, “Eight?! I can barely come up with three!” Or, “Do they have to be positive?” “If you’re having a hard time,” our teachers say, “don’t worry. Maybe think of some qualities about you that would be mentioned by someone who loves you and knows you well.” Eventually, just about all fill their plates, given time and encouragement (and stickers and color markers for decoration available only after compile their list).

We then ask if any might share what’s on their pie plate. Most will look down at their desk, radiating “please don’t call on me” energy. At this point, we say, “We know it takes a lot of bravery to do this. We’re not going to force anyone to share but would anyone like to be brave? You will be awarded with respect, and applause for courage.” A couple girls will raise their hand, and share what’s on their plate, looking up to make sure they are not being judged harshly. Then they will bask in the applause, which encourages plenty of other girls to share too.

The Unique Way Parents Walk Toward Their Children

 Kevin Hartnett 

A few weeks ago, I was checking out at Whole Foods. The cashier was a woman, probably in her early fifties, with neat, short hair and a bright face. My sons — Jay, 5, and Wally, 3 — were with me, bouncing around in the shopping cart. The sight of two little kids must have reminded her of her own son. “He makes sandwiches right over there,” she said, pointing back toward the deli. “Everybody always tell me how good they are.” I asked if her son ever makes sandwiches for her at home and she shook her head. “When he’s not at work, that’s the last thing he wants to do.”

At the time, I was struck by the pride in her voice when she spoke of her son’s sandwiches, and also by the contrast of such an intimate relationship stretched across the generic landscape of a grocery store.

After we left, I didn’t think of her again at all. Days went by and I made many more trips to the grocery store, and each time I approached a check-out lane, it never occurred to me that I might see her again. Then, on Thursday night, I found myself standing in the bakery department, trying to decide what kind of cookies to buy for my wife’s family, who were due in the next morning. It was past eight o’clock at night and the store was quiet. It was possible to stand still in one place and not get in anybody’s way.

And as I stood there, a woman came up on my left. We made eye contact, just for a second, but in that second I realized two things: It was the same woman I’d talked with while checking out a few weeks ago, and I knew just where she was headed. We exchanged small smiles — I don’t think she recognized me — and I watched her walk over to the sandwich station. There was a young man in his early twenties, tall and skinny in a white food service cap and matching chef’s jacket, assembling a reuben or a roast turkey club. She leaned against the counter and talked. He kept his head down on his work. I wondered whether she visited him at every break, or here and there when time allowed, or whether she’d walked over at the end of her shift specifically to ask whether he wanted a ride home that night.

Five important steps to take care of your home

Home Depot Scott Olson/Getty Images

Guests

• John Trostle: FHA-certified home inspector
• Samantha Strong: Licensed general contractor, designer and certified eco-broker. Her company, Metamorphosis, focuses on green design.

Home inspector John Trostle and general contractor and designer Samantha Strong joined The Daily Circuit Friday, March 8, to answer questions and offer ideas for home-repair and maintenance projects. Here are five tips that emerged from that conversation.

Test your basement for radon. If you use your basement often, "you definitely want to get it tested" for presence of the radioactive gas, said Trostle. According to the EPA, radon causes 21,000 lung cancer deaths per year. An inexpensive test kit is available from the big-box home and hardware stores.

Snow rake DAVE WEAVER/AP

If you rake your roof, be VERY careful. People use roof rakes to remove snow and cut down on ice buildup, but they risk damaging their roof tiles. Ice dams are likely to reflect an insulation problem; it's better to look for the source of the trouble than to continually scrape the roof. Try leaving a thin coating of snow instead of going all the way down to the tiles.

Taking Care of Yourself During Pregnancy

Promote Your Physical & Emotional Wellbeing During Pregnancy

Take care of yourself during pregnancy by getting moderate exercise.

Being pregnant, especially for the first time, can be the most exciting time of a woman’s life. It can also be one of the most overwhelming times. Questions like “What if I won’t be a good mom?” “Are we actually ready for this?” or “Will I be able to have everything organized on time?” tend to circulate uncontrollably through many expectant mothers’ mind.

You’ve probably heard the analogy that if an airplane is going down, you should place the oxygen mask on yourself first before placing one on your child or another dependent; meaning, in order to take care of someone effectively, you have to take care of yourself. Same goes for pregnancy – you have to take care of yourself so you can successfully take care of your baby while he or she is developing inside you and after birth. But in addition to that, YOUR physical and mental health is intrinsically important! It’s vital that you feel relaxed, happy and beautiful while pregnant. (By the way there is almost nothing more stunning than an expectant mother).

Here are a few ideas on how you can promote your own physical and emotional wellbeing during pregnancy. You will probably come up with a few that will specially work for you too!

Excercise

Exercise is extremely beneficial during pregnancy. We’re not asking you to train for a marathon or take up kickboxing. But regular exercise can help improve your mood, maintain or improve self-confidence, sleep better at night, ease associated problems (such as back pain, cramping and hemorrhoids) and allow you to feel beautiful while pregnant. The American Pregnancy Association (APA) recommends activities like swimming, walking, biking, yoga and using stair-climbing machines. If you were into aerobics and running before becoming pregnant, then the APA says it is probably fine to continue with those forms of exercise. (It is always a good idea to talk to your family doctor or obstetrician about safe physical activities).

Massage

Massage is a wonderful practice to help relieve pregnant women of stress and anxiety, as well as to help relieve pains associated with child bearing. There are actual certified prenatal massage therapists who know which areas of the body to focus on to relieve tension and pain and which to avoid (areas that may activate the pelvic muscles). They also will ensure you are lying in a safe position during the massage.

Take a Break

During the course of your pregnancy, it’s easy to focus on nothing but child bearing. But it’s also important to take time for you and spend times on other areas of your life. Take a break from planning for baby’s arrival and don’t feel guilty about doing so. Have a girl’s night out, organize a movie night at home or go on a little holiday. (“The Merck Manual Home Health Handbook” says the best time to travel is between the 14^th and 28^th weeks of pregnancy). You and your partner can also continue to have sex if you wish; unless there are some associated complications, sexual intercourse is completely safe during pregnancy.

Talk about It

If you are feeling overwhelmed, do not bottle it up inside. Talk about how you’re feeling with your partner, a close family member or friend. Alternatively, you may wish to speak with a midwife or doula or join a prenatal class so that you can talk to other expectant moms. Your family doctor or obstetrician may also have recommendations for groups or individuals you can talk to. At the same time, if there are people in your life who are being overly judgmental about your situation, your parenting plans or your pregnancy practices, avoid spending time with them. There is a difference between helpful advice and cruelty. Avoid negativity.

Indulge

Although there are so many pressures to maintain a strict, healthy diet and avoid certain foods, it’s okay to treat yourself once in a while. In fact, it’s encouraged! Treat your sweet tooth from time to time with a piece of berry pie or frozen yogurt, recommends Baby Zone. Also several studies, such as one conducted by Yale University’s Dr. Elizabeth W. Triche, say that dark chocolate is beneficial for pregnancies and child birth. Specifically, the treat can help reduce the risk of preeclampsia. You can also indulge yourself in other ways, such as going on a maternity wear shopping spree (maternity wear can still be classy or sexy) or getting a completely new hairstyle.

Rest

Now that you’re pregnant, you will need more rest since your body is working extra hard to help the little one inside you grow and develop. It is a good idea to work in a daily cat nap into your day, approximately half way through your waking hours. Also do not push your body beyond its limits. Do not be scared to ask others for help, whether it be running errands, lifting heavy boxes, doing a little housework or helping set up the nursery.

Slow Down

Perhaps what is most essential is to slow down and to truly notice the little moments that add up to a fulfilling pregnancy experience. Take a few minutes every day to spend time alone, breathe and imagine the beautiful baby growing inside and the beautiful times you will have once he or she are born. Look at yourself in the mirror and take pride on your blossoming belly and any other physical features you like about yourself. Cherish the times when a wise woman comes up to you and predicts the gender of your child or provides some genuine motherly advice. Relish in the moments when people say you are indeed glowing or when they celebrate you at a baby shower or another event. You deserve it because you have accepted the most important job in the world – motherhood.

Show so

THE TOP 3 THINGS EVERY GUY WANTS IN A LADY

Advertisements

All guys are the same and always want the same things irrespective of whether they are rich, poor, old, saints or sinners. I have listened to many guys talk about the kind of woman they want and this top three things have never been missing from the list of things. Though, you would be shocked at what the three things are but there are things a woman needs to keep a man and maintain a healthy relationship. Here are the top three things on every single guy want list;

1. A girl who is cool, calm and composed

Guys always think that by dating a girl that is calm, cool and composed they have successfully dodge dating a nagging woman and that is the worst kind of woman a guy would want to go out with. Ladies you can fake it if you have to but don’t show him your fiery, aggressive, sarcastic or smarty side because that will leave you single in a rush.

2. A hot girl

Being hot means, a cute face, broad breats, killer curves and shapely ass. Guys do not care if you have a heart of gold beneath the rubble, if they don’t see a hot girl they won’t even begin to explore your inner beauty so you should always forget the myth of natural beauty and make sure you are on fleek every single time, get the right packaging because this men are everywhere.

3. A girl who is stylish, well spoken and well mannered

Ladies throw your pride out of the window, there is no room to celebrate because a woman that a man is proud to show off even to his family and especially to their friends, they will always include she is down to earth. Men always wants a well mannered girl before they can even try to explore her crazy side between the layer.

7 TIPS TO PREVENT SPLIT HAIR ENDS

Depending on how the split ends is situated on the hair shaft, a single split can unravel and travel quite a ways up the hair shaft. But most split hair ends simply peel away or break off near their starting points. The best way to get rid of split ends is to prevent new ones from occurring. Here are some tips for preventing split ends:

1.    Trim Hair with Sharp, Quality Hair Shears

Trimming your ends regularly with sharp shears before they break off is a great split end preventive maintenance. Clean cutting is very important to prevent split ends, and only sharp shears can guarantee a clean break. Make sure that your hair shears are only used on the hair. Using your scissors to clip coupons or to perform other random tasks will dull your shears.

2.    Cut Hair Ends Straight Across

In addition to using sharp shears to maintain your ends, the direction of your trim is also important. Always snip straight across the ends of your hair, never at an angle. Angled trims increase the surface area of the new end and introduce more opportunities for splitting and breakage.

3. Avoid Wet Trimming

Self-Care During Pregnancy

By Haywood L. Brown, MD, Duke University Medical Center

• Normal Pregnancy
• herself and the fetus, nutrients first go to nourish the fetus. However, adding about 250 calories to the daily diet is usually enough to provide nourishment for both. Most of the extra calories should be protein. The diet should be well-balanced and include fresh fruits, grains, and vegetables. Cereals that are high in fiber and low in sugar are a good choice.

In the United States, most women get enough salt in their diet, without adding salt to their food at the table. Commercially prepared foods often contain excessive amounts of salt and should be consumed sparingly.

Dieting to lose weight during pregnancy is not recommended, even for obese women, because some weight gain is essential for the fetus to develop normally. Dieting reduces the supply of nutrients to the fetus.

How much weight a woman should gain during pregnancy depends on her body mass index (BMI) before pregnancy. BMI is weight in kilograms divided by height in meters squared (see Table: Who Is Overweight?) and is used to determine whether weight for height is normal. Women with a high BMI should gain less weight during pregnancy than those with a BMI classified as normal or underweight. An average-size woman should gain about 25 to 35 pounds during pregnancy.

Gaining too much weight puts fat on the woman and the fetus. Because controlling weight gain is more difficult later in pregnancy, a woman should try to avoid gaining too much weight during the first months. However, not gaining weight can hinder the growth and development of the fetus. During the 1st trimester (0 to 12 weeks of pregnancy), total weight gain for most women should be between 1.1 and 4.4 pounds (0.5 and 2 kg)

Weight Gain During Pregnancy

Weight Category Before Pregnancy	BMI	Total Weight Gain
Underweight	Less than 18.5	28–40 lb (12.5–18 kg)
Normal weight	18.5–24.9	25–35 lb (11.5–16 kg)
Overweight	25.0–29.9	15–25 lb (7.0–11.5 kg)
Obese (includes severely obese)	30.0 or higher	11–20 lb (5–9 kg)
BMI = body mass index, which is weight in kilograms divided by height in meters squared.
Adapted from Institute of Medicine: Report Brief: Weight Gain During Pregnancy: Reexamining the Guidelines. 2009. Accessed 9/16.

Sometimes a pregnant woman gains weight because she is retaining fluid. Fluid may be retained later in pregnancy because when she lies flat, the enlarging uterus interferes with blood flow from the legs back to the heart. Lying on one side, preferably the left side, for 30 to 45 minutes 2 or 3 times a day may relieve this problem. Wearing elastic support stockings may also help.

Drugs and dietary supplements

Generally, avoiding drugs during pregnancy is best. However, drugs must sometimes be used. A pregnant woman should check with her doctor before taking any drug—including nonprescription (over-the-counter) drugs, such as aspirin, or medicinal herbs—particularly during the first 3 months.

Pregnancy doubles the amount of iron needed. Most pregnant women need an iron supplement because the average woman does not absorb enough iron from food to meet the requirements of pregnancy. If a woman has anemia or develops anemia during pregnancy, she may need to take a larger dose of iron than other pregnant women. Iron supplements may cause mild stomach upset and constipation.

All pregnant women should take a supplement that contains 400 micrograms of folate (folic acid) each day, although some experts recommend slightly higher amounts, such as 600 or 800 micrograms. Such doses are often available in over-the counter products, such as multivitamins. Ideally, the folate supplement is begun before pregnancy. A deficiency of folate increases the risk of having a baby with a birth defect of the brain or spinal cord (neural tube defect), such as spina bifida. Women who have had a baby with a neural tube defect should take 4,000 micrograms of folate—a much larger amount than usually recommended. Doses of 1,000 micrograms or higher require a prescription. For most other women, even those with a folate deficiency, the amount of folate in a standard prenatal vitamin is sufficient.

Did You Know...

Usually, exercise and sexual intercourse do not jeopardize a pregnancy. When traveling, pregnant women should always wear seat belts.

Most doctors recommend that pregnant women take a prenatal multivitamin containing iron and folate daily, even if their diet is adequate.

Physical activity

Many pregnant women are concerned about moderating their activities. However, most women can continue their usual activities and exercises throughout pregnancy. Mildly strenuous sports, such as swimming and brisk walking, are good choices. Vigorous activities, such as running and horseback riding, are also possible if done cautiously, to avoid injury, particularly to the abdomen. Contact sports should be avoided.

Sexual intercourse

Sexual desire may increase or decrease during pregnancy. Sexual intercourse is safe throughout pregnancy unless a woman has vaginal bleeding, pain, leakage of amniotic fluid, or uterine contractions. In such cases, sexual intercourse should be avoided.

Preparing for breastfeeding

During pregnancy, women who are planning to breastfeed do not need to do anything to prepare their nipples for breastfeeding. Expressing fluids from the breast manually before delivery may lead to an infection of the breast (mastitis) or even early labor. The body prepares the areola and nipple for breastfeeding by secreting a lubricant to protect the surface. This lubricant should not be rubbed off.

Observing and talking with women who have breastfed successfully may be instructive and encouraging.

Travel during pregnancy

The safest time to travel during pregnancy is between 14 and 28 weeks. Travel time should not exceed 6 hours a day. Women can obtain useful tips and information about travel from their doctor, so discussing their travel plans with the doctor is a good idea.

When traveling in a car, airplane, or other vehicle, pregnant women should always wear a seat belt. Placing the lap belt across the hips and under the expanding abdomen and placing the shoulder belt between the breasts can help make wearing seat belts more comfortable. The belts should be snug but not uncomfortably tight.

During any kind of travel, pregnant women should stretch and straighten their legs and ankles periodically. Travel on airplanes is safe until about 36 weeks. The primary reason for this restriction at 36 weeks is the risk of labor and delivery in an unfamiliar environment.