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The EFFECTIVE Woman
brings out the best in you as a woman.
You are welcome to the Effective Woman's forum.
The Effective Woman forum is a support group for all Women at all levels i.e singles, engaged, or married. The aim is to help bring out the best in every woman at all level and class. Every woman possesses an inherent virtue that must be tapped into. The virtuous woman as described in proverb 31:10 says it all.So it is very important as a woman to be effective in all ramification of life.
The Effective Woman's forum also provides avenues where we all can learn, teach, contribute and open door for one and one counseling on matters arising such as, Time management,Marriage, Family, Raising Godly children, Relationships, Career, Business, Fashion,Health and other aspects as the need arises.
As a member of this group, no one should ever feel alone and together we will all emerge as strong women that we are.
Please feel free to invite families, friends, colleagues and well wishers into this great and wonderful group.
You are welcome as we celebrate the world of a woman together.
Thank you all.
Tuesday, 13 December 2016
How to Forgive and Rebuild Trust in a Marriage After Unfaithfulness
Repairing a Relationship After a Betrayal
Repairing a Relationship After a Betrayal
by Shannon PhilpottAddress the Problem
When couples are working through infidelity, lies or betrayal, men and women often go through a period of emotional instability, in which they blame themselves and doubt their feelings and intuition, according to Robert Weiss in the PsychCentral article,"Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD)." While males may go on the defensive and rely on reasoning to deny or process the information, women may react with overly emotional responses that can lead to arguments or accusations. Address the problem directly and openly, versus sweeping it under the rug. Even though it may be difficult to acknowledge a betrayal or a lie, it is a necessary step to repair the trust in the relationship, says Lynette Hoy, a marriage and family counselor on the website Power to Change. Discuss the betrayal instead of ignoring it, so you can discuss how the other’s actions made you feel.Investigate the Cause
If one or both of you feel the need to foster secrets, it’s likely that the relationship will continue down a rocky road with feelings of resentment and uncertainty. Investigate why and how the betrayal occurred to get to the root of the problem. If you feel trapped or suffocated by the relationship, communicate this feeling with your partner. It may be that you both need to establish boundaries or time alone to feel more independent. Recognize your communication patterns and avoid defensive behavior when communicating with each other. If disagreements ensue, consider discussing underlying issues within the relationship with a mediator or professional counselor. Ideal recovery after a betrayal relies on establishing trust with one another, but more importantly, learning to trust your own instincts, seek out support or relationship counseling and focus on self-care to build your own sense of self, Weiss says.Take Ownership
Apologize, Forgive and Move On
A sincere apology shows that you are remorseful for your actions. Begin moving toward rebuilding a healthy relationship by offering an apology, identifying the actions you regret. If your partner is apologetic, agree to forgive him or her and prepare to put the betrayal behind you. Leaving the pain in the past opens the door to begin the relationship with a clean slate. When couples avoid excuses and justifications for their behavior, they are able to transform a damaged relationship into a sacred one, according to Linda and Charlie Bloom in the Psychology Today article, "Betrayal: It's Not Just About Infidelity." In fact, the crisis that occurs after the betrayal has led many couples to a deeper understanding of each other, resulting in a stronger relationship and a more trustworthy union.The Damaging Effects Lying Has on a Marriage
The Damaging Effects Lying Has on a Marriage
by Shannon PhilpottBreach of Trust
Trust is critical within a relationship and the foundation that keeps a marriage together. By deceiving your spouse with lies, he or she may feel violated and a breach of trust can cause serious problems, affecting both the relationship and your well-being, according to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, in the Psychology Today article "Why Lying Hurts So Much." Each time a breach of trust occurs, your emotional well-being takes a hit, as well as your identity, because you lose faith in what your spouse represents, says Whitbourne.Emotional Distance
Although it is unrealistic to think that your spouse will disclose everything about his day, his job or even his past, when married people keep secrets or lie, an unhealthy distance occurs within the relationship, according to Suzanne Phillips, licensed psychologist. Secrets or lies may also cause suspicion or paranoia for the spouse if he or she believes the other is withholding information, writes Phillips in a PsychCentral article titled “Secrets, Lies and Relationships.”Problems With Intimacy
Separation or Divorce
Since the core success of a marriage depends on trust, when a spouse lies, there is the chance that one or the other will contemplate a separation or divorce because of the betrayal. If a couple is unwilling or unable to express remorse and to communicate truthfully about the deception, this may cause them to part ways. A betrayed spouse must be able to express feelings of rejection, hurt and anger for the couple to work past the damaging effects of lies, according to Phillips. It may take quite some time to rebuild trust and there is always the possibility that one partner cannot commit to trust after a deception. Enlisting the help of a professional counselor may help couples rebuild their relationship.Friday, 9 December 2016
How to Open the Lines of Communication in a Marriage
by Dana BagwellRelated Articles
Minimize Nonverbal Cues
When couples fail to communicate verbally, they get their information from other sources. Some nonverbal cues are obvious: an upset look and similar nonverbal actions communicate just as much information. Unfortunately, much of this communication occurs without our awareness. In his book, “The Secrets of Happy Families,” Bruce Feiler recommends sitting side by side on comfy furniture when engaged in difficult conversations as it breeds accommodation over intimidation.Active Listening
Listening is an expression of validation. Actively listening communicates interest and the desire to understand your partner. Conversely, waiting for a break in the conversation to speak does not convey that a partner truly heard and understood the other. Professors Rosemary Ramsey and Ravipreet Sohi reported in a study published in the “Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science” that listening is composed of sensing, evaluating and responding. Notice that the first two components of this study reinforce the importance of listening to understand before ever speaking a word.I Statements
Use Technology
For couples experiencing trouble with face-to-face conversations, technology can help break the ice. Psychologist Sarah Coyne and colleagues reported in a study published in the journal “Family Relations” that couples most often used text messaging to express affection, discuss emotionally difficult issues and to apologize or begin a difficult conversation. Providing a partner uses care and discretion, such technology is an especially important tool for those that have difficulty verbally expressing themselves. With a little creativity, couples can begin to open the lines of communication.Why Is Communication Important in Marriage?
Why Is Communication Important in Marriage?
by Dana BagwellMinimizes Confusion
Even couples married for 50 years cannot always predict what the other is thinking. Many couples assume their partner “just knows,” but the end result is often just the opposite. University of Florida Extension specialists Eboni Baugh and Deborah Humphries offer a simple solution, “State your thoughts as clearly, honestly, and positively as you can.” Minimizing confusion increases relationship commitment, and commitment is directly related to relationship satisfaction.Maintains Marriages Through Assurances
Relationship satisfaction is directly related to assurances one partner provides to the other, according to communication researchers Marianne Dainton and Laura Stafford. Assurances reaffirm a partner’s romantic desires for the other and are often demonstrated through kind words or acts of love. Researchers Brandi Frisby and Melanie Booth-Butterfield report in a study published in 2012 in “Communication Quarterly” that couples who engaged in assurances reported both greater marital satisfaction and commitment.Monday, 5 December 2016
Communication Between Older & Younger Siblings
Communication Between Older & Younger Siblings
by Dana BagwellArguments
Because sibling disagreements are inevitable, such experiences are instrumental in developing effective communication skills. Siblings need to learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own, and parents must resist the urge to intervene. Age differences often lead to arguments over privacy, and older siblings may accuse their younger sibling of invading their personal space. Sibling trust is directly related to sibling communication over personal boundaries and personal items; the older sibling is instrumental in this process.Development
Siblings imitate each other, and younger siblings especially imitate their older ones. In fact, older siblings have a profound influence on the development of language and overall cognitive growth in the younger sibling. Communication may occur through parental interaction with the older sibling. For example, when an older sister is punished for breaking curfew, the younger sibling implicitly receives information about age-appropriate behaviors.Tips on Respectful Relationships Among Siblings
Tips on Respectful Relationships Among Siblings
by Lauren MillsYoung Siblings
When parents make an effort to show love, affection and undivided attention to each child in the family it helps to increase respectful relationships among siblings when they are very young. Parents can also teach conflict resolution skills by modeling compassion and calm communication with others, even in times of discord. Sibling conflict between young children is often caused by competition for attention from parents and caregivers. According to “Solutions in Parenting,” every child has a deep biological need for a connection with parents or primary caregivers.Teen Years
Teenagers are going through a time in their personal development when they are discovering themselves as individuals and forming their unique identity. Conflicts with siblings during this time often center on issues of fairness or privacy, such as who is doing more chores or entering a room without permission. A 2012 University of Missouri study concluded that teens who fought with their siblings over fairness issues were more depressed, while teens who fought with their siblings about personal space were more anxious and had lower self-esteem. Help teens foster respectful sibling relationships by encouraging them to talk to each other calmly about boundaries and by problem solving, such as taking turns getting to watch a television show every other night. Parents should avoid making direct comparisons between siblings. By focusing on your teen as an individual with unique strengths and talents it fosters his ability to form positive relationships with his siblings.How to Teach Kids the Qualities of a Good Friend
How to Teach Kids the Qualities of a Good Friend
by Janet Hendel ShoresLead by Example
Children’s interactions with parents provide important first lessons on how to treat one another and expectations on how to be treated. In fact, experts at Purdue University show that from as early as infancy, children can learn important social skills via interactions with parents, such as taking turns in conversations. When we treat children with respect and fairness, and show them empathy and compassion, they learn to emulate our behaviors. This also sets up healthy expectations of how children should be treated by others.Identify Positive Characteristics
Converse with your children about positive and negative characteristics of friends. Phrases such as, “It makes me feel good when my friend is a good listener,” or "I don’t like it when my friends tease me,” will help convey your values to children. Books such as “Life Lists for Teens: Tips, Steps, Hints, and How-Tos for Growing Up," by Pamela Espeland, can help identify quality characteristics of friends including trustworthiness, healthy risk taking behavior, conflict resolution skills, and relationship quality with others.Can Parents Affect Their Children's Ability to Make Friends?
Can Parents Affect Their Children's Ability to Make Friends?
by Julie Alice HusonThe Impact of Parents on Childhood Friendships
Researchers at the University of Illinois Early Childhood and Parenting Collaborative cite three specific ways parents can affect formation of childhood friendships. (1) Maintain a strong and positive parent and child relationship, (2) be a parent supervisor at children’s playdates, and (3) assist the child in finding social opportunities with others. Because negative parenting interactions with children have been found to indirectly impact a child's ability to make friends, parents need to carefully consider how their own relationships with their children may be setting their kids up for frustrating play situations with peers. Parenting classes might be one place to begin to ensure that the family dynamics are strong and positive before the issue of friend-making is approached.How Children Make Friends
Research shows that children tend to be friends with whom they have similarities, says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist who works with parents and children in social-emotional development issues. Kids are likely to initiate friendly overtures to others who are about the same age, ethnicity and gender. Shared interests provide common ground for play and also provide an obvious entry point for children being coached in establishing new friendships. Another important element in development of childhood friendships is that of shared fun. Children who can quickly establish play and fun activity with other children are more likely to be popular playmates.How Parents Can Help Children Make Friends
Friday, 2 December 2016
10 Things to Know About Parent-Child Relationships
10 Things to Know About Parent-Child Relationships
Wednesday, 30 November 2016
Avoiding Communication Fouls
Avoiding Communication Fouls
When communication between a couple breaks down, it’s often because the communication team has committed what can be called a “foul.” A foul occurs when two people go from speaking and listening respectfully into trading put downs, blaming, and sometimes, attempting to punish their partner with silence. When this happens, the whole team loses, because the course of communication becomes about winning an argument instead of finding a mutually favorable resolution.
As you practice your communication skills, be careful to not commit these common mistakes:
Foul #1: Criticism
Criticism is not always a negative thing. When it is not constructive however, it can lead to partners verbally attacking each other. Using criticism in communication implies that a problem or issue is the other person’s fault which may in fact be the case. Assigning blame to the other person through criticizing remarks though, places the listener on the defensive. The listener feels like they have to prepare a counter attack. This sort of communication isn’t a good foundation for addressing a conflict. Some might think that a criticism and a complaint are the same thing. In actuality, a complaint can be better than a criticism. A complaint can describe a particular issue, situation or behavior in a non-threatening way and therefore is preferable to criticism. To learn other differences, let’s look at some examples:Criticism—You are always nagging me for watching TV, can’t you just leave me alone until I feel like talking?
Complaint—“Sometimes, I just need to relax and unwind by myself when I get home. If you let me have some time by myself, in a little while I’ll be ready to hear what you have to say.”
Foul #2: Sarcasm and Cynicism
Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Source: Family Bridges- Accept each other's basic personalities exactly the way they are. Never think you can change someone. However, expect yourselves to change over time as both of you mature together.
- Find and pay attention to what you admire about each other.
- Nurture your feelings of affection for each other.
- Learn and practice skills to really listen and hear each other.
- Learn and practice skills for resolving relationship conflicts.
- Make time together and have some fun. Do not let conflicts or arguments spoil those times.
- Take the time to learn what your partner wants as demonstration of your love.
- Take the time to be affectionate and nurture one another.
- Be a team—a united front. Tackle any problems as a team. Learn and practice skills for solving problems.
- Learn from your mistakes. Learn to forgive.
- Honor your commitment. Do not put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to mess around with someone else.
- Recognize when you need support and know where you can find it.
A Game Plan for Effective Communication
A Game Plan for Effective Communication
A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning some basic communication skills. Effective communication skills can help a couple navigate through difficult topics that may be hard to discuss.
As couples, we communicate for many different reasons. It may be just to talk, or to manage the details of everyday life. Couples talk as a way to share ideas, ambitions and dreams. Often times couples communicate with the intent to resolve conflict in the relationship. Communication on all levels is essential for a relationship to thrive. Unfortunately, most couples do not know how to manage conflict and this can lead to disharmony in a relationship. All couples will experience conflict from time to time, how conflict is handled though is a key ingredient in the success of the marriage.
It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management. To help develop these skills there are certain steps to follow. The skills discussed in this tip sheet will help you to become a better listener and speaker.
One of the first skills in effective communication is to realize that a positive approach and a “win-win” mentality will serve you well. Having positive regard for your partner and his/her thoughts and feelings are an important step.
Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one "speaker" and one "listener" at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you are getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.
Taking turns as both the speaker and the listener gives each member of the team a chance to speak, listen and to be understood. One basic idea is that each person has a message to communicate. Sometimes the message is communicated through active listening and conveys to the other person that you understand what they said. Other times, the message is communicated by speaking directly to the other person. Take a turn doing both, and relinquish your turn as speaker to allow the listener the same opportunity to be understood. Clarify that you both understand what each other is saying both on a verbal and an emotional level.
Take a Chill
Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, communication becomes too difficult for a couple. In these instances, someone gets angry, another stops playing by the rules, feelings get hurt or one person feels attacked. All of these negative behaviors undermine the goal of getting your message across, or hearing your partner’s concern. In these cases, taking a break from the discussion is best. To “take a chill” literally allows both people to let the heat and intensity of a discussion cool down enough to where it can be addressed under more relaxed circumstances. This communication break, or chill, can be for a few minutes or even longer if necessary. It should be long enough to give both speaker and listener time to regroup enough to re-engage in the discussion of the issue. An important element in deciding to “take a chill” is recognizing that when one person signals a need to pause the discussion, the other should respect their need for a break. In doing so, agree to a time when you will begin the discussion again. Taking a chill is a mutually agreed upon communication step with the understanding that the issue will be revisited later.You can separately learn the skills for both speaking and listening but don’t forget to review other skills so you’ll know what not to do as you practice both roles.
Communication with one another is a powerful tool—it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.
The Ground Rules below are meant to give you tools to help your communication with one another.
Let’s get started with the tools you’ll need to get your message across.
Speaker in the House—Ground Rules for Communicating Your Message1
Speaker Rule #1: Pick the right time
While there is no perfect time to raise a difficult issue, some times are more appropriate than others. Use care in determining what those times may be. Try to pick a time when you and your partner are free of other distractions. This time should be when both you and your partner can approach it positively and give your full attention. For example, this time is likely not during a favorite TV show, immediately upon coming home from work, or during another scheduled activity. As the speaker, you can initiate the discussion by gauging what the most appropriate time may be or simply asking your partner when a good time to discuss an important issue is.
Speaker Rule #2: How You Start is How You’ll Finish
The way in which the speaker raises an issue is often a big predictor of how the discussion will go. If you begin the conversation in a harsh way by attacking or blaming your partner, you are likely to have an angry discussion. It is important to avoid creating an environment where the listener feels they need to defend themselves rather than simply discuss. In these cases, your message is not being heard because the listener is too busy defending themselves. Softening the way you begin the conversation with a calm, positive approach will increase the likelihood that your communication will be viewed as non-threatening. A non-threatening or safe communication environment will make the discussion seem worth participating in to the listener. Think of it as a “soft-beginning” where your words and tone are free of criticism or attack. Here are examples of harsh and soft beginnings.
Harsh Beginning—“You didn’t put gas in the car and I was late for work this morning.”
Soft Beginning—“I appreciate it when you put gas in my car, but when you can’t do that for me, let me know so I can make time to stop before work.”
Speaker Rule #3: Speak for Yourself
Stick to talking about how you, the speaker, feels. Also, describe the issue at hand for you, rather than stating what you may assume, think or observe to be the problem with your partner. Use the words “I” and “me” to describe things from your point of view. Beginning a conversation with “you” statements, can feel like an attack or attempt to blame the listener. Let’s use the issue of housework as an example:
“I” statement—I get frustrated when I come home from work and the kitchen is messy. This statement conveys a feeling of frustration about a messy house.
“You” statement—You don’t ever clean up after yourself. What have you been doing all day? This statement assigns blame on the listener for the messy house and attacks the listener by implying that they are lazy.
Speaker Rule #4: Be Short and to the Point
Try to tackle one issue at a time. Keep your point specific to issues, observations or feelings and raise only those things happening currently. Do not include negative comments that attack the other. For example, the following statement is an example of a personal attack: You were such a jerk last night. A more positive alternative statement would be, "My feelings were hurt last night when you left." It describes specific feelings as the result of an event. Explain your feelings and concerns simply, avoiding the temptation to use long or drawn-out descriptions of things. Getting to the point gives the listener a manageable amount of information. It also provides them with a greater chance to show that they understand your point. Being brief keeps the listener engaged in the discussion and makes them less likely to “tune-out.”
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Love Rules
Love Rules
1. Say “I Love You” Every Day
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”
2. Play Hard to Get
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.
3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.
5. You Can Learn to Love Someone
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.
6. Never Go to Bed Angry
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.
7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.
10 Things You Can Do To Have A Healthy Marriage
10 Things You Can Do To Have A Healthy Marriage
It takes work to have a healthy marriage, but it is possible. Just like good nutrition and regular exercise can help you to have a healthy body, there are things you can do to have a healthy marriage.
Here are 10 tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:
1) Spend Time with Each Other.
Married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and weekend activities. If a getaway is not immediately possible, then make it a goal toward which you will work. By spending time with your partner, you will better understand your differences and how to negotiate the problems they may cause. Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion—healthy marriages need both.2) Learn to Negotiate Conflict.
Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point, however, when it can increase in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. Working out problems in a relationship starts with understanding what your issues are and how to discuss them. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict. Using these resources can go a long way in preserving how safe you and your partner feel.3) Show Respect for Each Other at All Times.
When a couple fails to respect each other, they often slip into negative habits. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show him or her respect. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if he or she did that to you.4) Learn About Yourself First.
Make it a point to work on self-discovery. Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result, they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Learning about yourself will better equip you to grow as an individual and a partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, there are always more things you can learn about him or her. What are his dreams for the future? What is her worst fear? What is the way he or she best gives or receives love? Imagine the intimacy and bond you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about one another!5) Explore Intimacy.
Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that intimacy does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being judgmental or making light of them. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner one type when they really need the other can create problems in your relationship.Friday, 18 November 2016
How to Teach Your Child to Be More Responsible
How to Teach Your Child to Be More Responsible
9 Tips on Saying “No” to Your Child
9 Tips on Saying “No” to Your Child
Parenting 101 – Tips for Parents
Parenting 101 – Tips for Parents
Welcome to the internet parent education workshop. A place to build parenting skills that help parents to discipline kids from toddlers to teens as well as to encourage children and adolescents to feel positive about themselves and to become the winners they were meant to be. Lots of practical solutions for parents as well as tips for improving communication,building positive relationships and other useful parenting skills. The goal of parenting is to teach kids to develop self-discipline. Many parents feel spanking is necessary for effective discipline. When parents learn and apply the three Fs of Effective using the parenting techniques on this page and others, they find that yelling, screaming and spanking disappear and a positive relationship is establis |
Guidelines For Parent Child Relationships
- Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child.
- Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
- Never give an order, request, or command without being able to enforce it at the time.
- Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior in the same manner as much as possible.
- Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
- Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
- Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he or she performs the undesirable behavior.
- Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not enough to say, “Your room is messy.” Messy should be specified in terms of exactly what is meant: “You’ve left dirty clothes on the floor, dirty plates on your desk, and your bed is not made.”
- Once you have stated your position and the child attacks that position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the position once more and then stop responding to the attacks.
- Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
- Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your children’s behavior.
- If one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters the room, that other person should not step in on the argument in progress.
- Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal praise, touch or something tangible such as a toy, food or money.
- Both of you should have an equal share in the responsibility of discipline as much as possible.
The “3 Fs” of Effective Parenting
- Firm: Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs.
- Fair: The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe only one Time Out is received.
- Friendly: Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting a children know they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed upon” consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for appropriate behavior.
The Parent As Teacher/Coach
- Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your children.
- Rather than tell them what not to do, teach and show them what they should do.
- Use descriptive praise when they do something well. Say, “I like how you ____ when you ____.” Be specific.
- Help your child learn to express how he feels. Say: “You seem frustrated.” “How are you feeling?” “Are you up set?” “You look like you are angry about that.” “It’s O.K. to feel that way.”
- Try to see a situation the way your children do. Listen carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how it would look to them.
- Use a soft, confident tone of voice to redirect them when they are upset.
- Be a good listener: Use good eye contact. Physically get down to the level of smaller children. Don’t interrupt. Ask open ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.
- Make sure they understand directions. Have them repeat them back.
- When possible give them choices of when and how to comply with a request.
- Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
- Develop a nonverbal sign (gesture) that your children will accept as a signal that they are being inappropriate and need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond to your prompt without getting upset.
The Use of Reward In Positive Parenting
The First Time Club
- Make up a chart with 30 squares.
- Tell the child that each time he does something the first time he is asked, a happy face will be placed in a square. When all the squares are completed, he will earn a reward.
- Mutually agree on the reward. For younger children, you can place a picture of the reward on the chart or for older children you can write it on the chart.
- Then practice with the child how he is to behave. “Each time I ask you to do something, I want you to: (1) Use good eye contact, (2) Listen quietly, (3) Say OK I will ____. then (4) Do it.” Practice this, making a number of requests.
- Then start the program.
1) There are great benefits of effective parenting to child development under normal circumstances, and even greater benefits in the face of risk. There are certain risk factors that are unique to parent-child relationships. The relationship processes involved may depend on where the risk resides … in the child (e.g. developmental disability, prematurity, behavior problems), the parent (e.g. psychopathology), or the family context (e.g. economic hardship, minority status). Child developmental delay, child diagnosis of ADHD/ODD, and low family income are associated with lower positive parenting scores, a measure of a “resilient parent.” Maternal education acts as a protective buffer to improve resilient parenting for younger children (aged 3-5) while maternal health is protective for 5 year olds. One of the greatest protective factors is maternal optimism, which is effective for children ages 3 to 8. Ellingsen, et al. J. Intellectual development research, July, 2013. Ellingsen, et al. Research in developmental disabilities, April, 2014.
2) Children with developmental delays are more likely to have behavioral issues. The extent of a child’s behavior problems is a strong contributor to parenting stress, more so than the child’s cognitive delay. Baker, et al. Am J Mental Retardation. Dec, 2002.
3) Parental warmth and controlling, in a positive way are the two most important parental attributes that help to create positive effects. In research terms this is parental affect and sensitivity. Positive emotional reactivity and self-regulation are important parental factors in developing healthy children’s temperament. Bates (link is external), et al Handbook of Temperament, Guilford Press, 2012.
4) Mothers and fathers share some childrearing attributes and effects, but also differ in important ways that create unique relationship qualities. (Stevenson & Crnic, 2015; Crnic et al., 2009). Both mothers and fathers of children with borderline intellectual functioning have more negative controlling parenting (child age 5-6) than did parents of typically developing children. In turn, those children with borderline intellectual functioning showed more difficult behavior. It is interesting that negative paternal behavior is predicted by earlier child behavior while negative maternal behavior predicts child difficulties. Fenning, et al. Journal of Family Psychology, April, 2014.